The Waiter…while I was on a Date

“If you don’t pick up the phone, I bet one of your Fraternity brothers will”- Macy

I like attention. Lots of it. I so desperately need be showered with love & affection every minute of every hour once every other day, or I will get it elsewhere (eg: his roommate, his fraternity brother, best friend, or all-the-above).

Benny was two years my junior. He was sweet. Cute. Blah blah. But at dinner he just talked about himself, his job, his family… yawn. Opposites attract: I’m self-absorbed, so the guys I date shouldn’t be. Enough about me, tell me what you think about me?

Our very sexy waiter, Matt, was 30-ish. He did the usual small talk thing. He was a man who cared to serve me. Naturally, I fell in love.
Matt offered You guys can stay after hours, share some wine and cigars with the chefs. I held my head in disappointment, I have a terrible headache. I think Benny and I are just going to head home. Benny paid the bill and took me home, like a good boy should. I waved Adios as Benny’s car backed out of the driveway.

Then I hopped in my car & drove back to Matt, like a good whore should. He expressed his excitement about me coming back… without Benny. Was this really happening? Did I really fake a headache to trade one man for another. Kudos to me. Cigar smoked filled my lungs and white wine tickled my throat. Yum. At the end of the night, Matt put his hand on mine and said exactly what I wanted to hear: Ella, I am undeniably attracted to you. I was so jealous of that guy you were with. And I didn’t think you’d really accept my invitation. (Cue: butterflies in my stomach) Yes, I could hear the wedding bells chime. Dum, dum, da-dum, dum, dum, da-dum.

Oh I heard wedding bells. Right as he uttered, but I have to tell you, I’m married. Shitcockdamnmotherfather. Of course the love of my life would be married to someone who isn’t me. I am so dumb, dumb, da-dumb, dumb, da-dumb. He continued, A part of me even considered pursuing this further. But I just can’t.  I had already dealt with a few married men before [future blog to come], I was not going to go through that humiliation again. Well, this was nice while it lasted. A record [look at invisible watch] 90 minutes. Bummer.

Life is so unfair. I took a leap of faith and landed flat on my face. Thankfully my hero, Oprah Winfrey, came to my rescue. About a week or two after meeting Matt, Oprah was concluding her final season on TV. She was showing a medley stories from past guests. She aired this disturbing story that I will not repeat (too sensitive slash sad). The guestspeaker was none other than Matt. On the real. Oh and in the horror story, he wasn’t the victim, he was the assailant. I took my remote and kept re-winding the clip. That Oprah show (not Matt’s wife) was the final nail in that coffin. The End. I win again!

Lessons, if there are any:

• When there’s an undeniable mutual attraction, I say go for it. Even if you gotta fake a headache to do it.
• But don’t date a married man, cheating is gross. I’ve said this before.
• Also, in the clip, I found out he had a baby girl. Another minor detail he left out.
• God bless Oprah.
• God bless the ability to rewind live television.