My very first crush was BJ from Barney. My first human crush was Michael in kindergarten. It may be super creepy to describe how sexy a 5-year-old was, but I’ll try anyway. He was tall, gorgeous, half Japanese, and the way he would bend over to take a drink from the water fountain was just heavenly. He grew up to be a water polo god with abs for days, so I don’t feel bad lusting over my memories of him.
Your first crush really impacts who you find yourself attracted to in the future. Paul, Casper, Danny, & Owen were all water polo players. Luke’s business partner was half Japanese & don’t get me started on how many “Michael” notches I have on my chastity belt.
My first crush in college was a senior named Chris. Chris could legally buy alcohol & always offered to smoke me out, Free weed!? I love college! He was a prominent member of my fave fraternity and threw the sickest parties on Sic & Schafe. On Halloween, Chris dressed as a pirate: big hat, a sword, a parrot on his shoulder, and a wooden leg. The wooden leg tripped me out, I walked around Chris in a circle, Where did your leg go? [Awkward silence]. Did you pin it up? How are you bending your knee like that? [More awkward silence]. Ella, I don’t have a leg, that’s the whole point. My mind. Kaboom. Blown. In the few weeks I’d known Chris, I had no idea he was wearing a prosthetic. The whole time.
Later he told the story of how it happened, “Well when I was 14, I went surfing in Hawaii with my family. The waves were calm. As I paddled out, a Big White shark opened its mouth, and then I blacked out” [Somber silence]…
“Ha ha just kidding! I was born without a leg.” He went on to talk about all the perks of having one leg: the handicap passes, free parking at the beach, sympathy from professors when you turn shit in late. I haven’t seen Chris since he graduated, but his story always stuck with me. I no longer looked at the handicapable with pity, but with complete envy. I want free parking at the beach too!
Last weekend I went up north to visit my girlfriends. In the purple haze of cheap weed and even cheaper vodka, I saw a young man with a prosthetic leg. My immediate thought was, “I am sooo going home with him tonight.” And I did.
But Greg, unlike Chris, was in an accident more recently and not as comfortable in his prosthesis. He didn’t appreciate it when I called him Peg-Leg-Greg. Oh does that offend you? Greg got even more upset when I hopped on his lap and bounced like a baby on Santa. His leg popped right off. Oops, my bad…
- Have you ever been a pirate for Halloween?
- If you were a rapper, your name would be Leggo.
[Angry silence]. Greg did not have the sense of humor Chris did, which made me look like a real insensitive bitch. But hey, if the prosthetic shoe fits, right?
I guess my point is… I’m not sure what my point is. I’m sure both Chris & Michael would both be proud of their everlasting effect on my dating life. Look at me now!