Why I Date Amputees

My very first crush was BJ from Barney. My first human crush was Michael in kindergarten. It may be super creepy to describe how sexy a 5-year-old was, but I’ll try anyway. He was tall, gorgeous, Japanese, and the way he would bend over to take a drink from the water fountain was just heavenly. He grew up to be a water polo god with abs for days, so I don’t feel bad lusting over my memories of him.

Your first crush reallyΒ impacts who you find yourself attracted to in the future. Paul, Casper, Danny, & Owen were all water polo players. Luke was Japanese & don’t get me started on how many “Michael” notches I have on my chastity belt.

My first crush in college was a senior named Chris. Chris could legally buy alcohol & always offered to smoke me out, Free weed!? I love college! He was a prominent member of my fave fraternity and threw the sickest parties on Sic & Schafe. On Halloween, Chris dressed as a pirate: big hat, a sword, a parrot on his shoulder, and a wooden leg. The wooden leg tripped me out, I walked around Chris in a circle, Where did your leg go? [Awkward silence]. Did you pin it up? How are you bending your knee like that? [More awkward silence]. Ella, I don’t have a leg, that’s the whole point. My mind. Kaboom. Blown. In the few weeks I’d known Chris, I had no idea he was wearing a prosthetic. The whole time.

Later he told the story of how it happened, “Well when I was 14, I went surfing in Hawaii with my family. The waves were calm. As I paddled out, a Big White shark opened its mouth, and then I blacked out” [Somber silence]…

“Ha ha just kidding! I was born without a leg.” He went on to talk about all the perks of having one leg: the handicap passes, free parking at the beach, sympathy from professors when you turn shit in late. I haven’t seen Chris since he graduated, but his story always stuck with me. I no longer looked at the handicapable with pity, but with complete envy. I want free parking at the beach too!

Last weekend I went up north to visit my girlfriends. In the purple haze of cheap weed and even cheaper vodka, I saw a young man with a prosthetic leg. My immediate thought was, “I am sooo going home with him tonight.” And I did.

But Greg, unlike Chris, was in an accident more recently and not as comfortable in his prosthesis. He didn’t appreciate it when I called him Peg-Leg-Greg. Oh does that offend you? Greg got even more upset when I hopped on his lap and bounced like a baby on Santa. His leg popped right off. Oops, my bad…

  • Have you ever been a pirate for Halloween?
  • If you were a rapper, your name would be Leggo.

[Angry silence]. Greg did not have the sense of humor Chris did, which made me look like a real insensitive bitch. But hey, if the prosthetic shoe fits, right?

I guess my point is… I’m not sure what my point is. I’m sure both Chris & Michael would both be proud of their everlasting effect on my dating life. Look at me now!

106 thoughts on “Why I Date Amputees

  1. I didn’t think anyone could ever relate to my prosthetic experience… and then I found you πŸ™‚
    Thank you for being my pros-mate.
    I don’t remember how I found your blog, but I’m really glad I did πŸ™‚

  2. An odd tangent on the subject, but I currently portray a one-legged man in a theater piece. (This is not a ploy. It’s true, in fact.) I haven’t noticed immediate attraction on the part of the public. I do notice fear, however, which seems to play its own role in attraction. Anyway, this is a great post. Thank you again for your wit.

      • Vulnerability, I suppose. It’s a common wisdom among performers…that vulnerability is power. It’s a way to get emotional access. There’s some truth to it. Nothing about the artistic import of a leg popping off, though…ha ha.

      • It was very awkward, and I only know how to handle uncomfortable situations with humor. even if it’s crude humor. unwarrented humor haha

      • Your reaction is only natural. And it makes for a very funny story. It’s gutsy of you to share it. Anyway, I always enjoy your work. Thanks again.

      • That’s hilarious. Barney was a bit after my time, but there was a girl on Sesame Street I was madly in love with back then. It may seem weird now, but when I was five, she was going to be my wife.

    • I had to think about it. My first crush was Omar. I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade. I was a cheerleader and he was the quarterback for the same pop warner football team. He was Black and Japanese with dark skin and thick curly hair, so cute. Wow, that was so long ago.

  3. I agree about the gravatar comment. It took me a while to find you after you liked my post recently because you didn’t have your gravatar links set up. I wrote a post about it in another blog of mine: http://muchadoaboutmanythings.wordpress.com.

    I had to figure it out for myself as I didn’t have any of my links there either until I figured it out. Rather than me figuring out the timeline of all your blogs, how long have you been blogging? You have loads of followers, impressive.

    Hope you don’t meet my husband, His name is Michael and he’s had a prosthetic for about four years. He takes it off and shows young children how it works periodically.

  4. My first crush was Robin Hood in the Disney film.
    Then it came the red head kid at school with freckles.
    15something years later you see me fainting on Regent Street because there’s a new huge Burberry advertising. OK, I didn’t really faint for that.
    But my *great love* is a darkish blond Jewish guy who in common with said redhead has only that he was born in London. Now that I think about it, he has some reddish sparkles in certain lights…
    Foxes are ginger…yes, the first crush determines all the others.

      • I think I am that one who has a thing for Mr Bingley no matter who plays Darcy, not even when it was Colin Firth (and I am a die hard Colin Firth’s fan).
        After the BBC one and the one with Keira, seeing a too blond one in Lost in Austen broke my heart hahah
        I never met enough redhead in real life…

  5. My first crush was on a boy named Brett. We were in Kindergarten and I got to ride the bus with him every day :). One day, we were being silly and he snapped my nose. What he didn’t know was that I had nosebleeds very easily… blood started pouring out and he used his shirt to stop it, apologizing the entire time. When the bus got to the school, the bus driver came back and offered to escort him to the office. Why him? Because he was the one with blood all over his shirt and tears rolling down his face. He was not worried about being in trouble. He was worried that I was going to bleed to death. My heart was filled with love. I knew then that compassion was at the top of my list for what is important in a man… er… boy.

  6. You had me seriously laughing with this amazing post!! I love picking up quirky dating preferences from the guys I meet along the way.

  7. Great post! Several years back, I dated for a very brief period of time a woman with one arm. She ended up dumping me when her ex-boyfriend came back into the picture. She was hot. As for first crushes . . . it was an insanely busty girl in junior high named Sandy.

  8. My first crush was Neil Patrick Harris when he was playing Doogie Howser. I’ve always had a thing for the super smart nerdy guys.

  9. lol I’m inclined to agree with you there! I do have a twisted trend that began with my first crush! Quite enjoyed reading this post as well as the others!

  10. I agree that first crushes can have such a huge impact on your dating life.
    He probably wasn’t my FIRST childhood crush, but I remember when I was young I had an enormous love for Gambit from X-Men. I am now complete putty for any guy who has a sexy foreign accent.

    I like that your writing is very conversational. Your humour is so natural, and makes the reading easy and enjoyable. You have a clear and personal voice in your writing that is evident throughout all of your blog posts.

    Again, this was another great and entertaining read!

  11. O.M.G.. Yeah.. I’m sure you looked like an insensitive bitch.. LOL.. but he was getting laid right? Too funny. My first real crush was a FOX.. (it was the 80’s.. don’t judge).. and now, he’s kinda funny looking.. knocked up his HS girlfriend and is still married to her w/ a minivan full of kids. I was always bummed that I never even got to kiss him… ahhh.. the mystery continues.

  12. My first crush – the first I can recall anyway- was Anwar Sadat. Sad, but true.

    Yours actually makes more sense. Thanks for sharing! And oh – my sister is a Michael girl too. : ) I could never handle a repeating name thing.

    Maybe that’s why I married my Mister Coffee. He has a first name I had never heard before.

  13. That was really funny! My first ever TV crush was Aprilia from “Saber Riders”. That’s why I have a thing for confident tall blue eyed blondes! Probably that’s why I have a thing for whips too (you’ll know what I mean once you hear the intro)

    PS. Shouldn’t it be handicapped and not handicapable?

    • Handicapped implies that they cannot function and is no longer politically correct. Handicapable emphasizes they have a disability, but still are ‘able’

      • I’m sorry, isn’t that just an inferiority complex? Like Joe in Family Guy? Why don’t just use disabled or partially disabled or any more fitting and less ridiculous word? The word handicapped derives from an old english game and not from having a cap/limit on ones handiness for a word like handicappable or handicap-able to make sense. As you say in your post, and quite rightly so people should have a more realistic and light hearted approach to their disability instead of forever remaining bitter about it thus opening themselves up to assholes who are using those words in a derogatory sense. If you on your own can joke about it then other people won’t be able to get from you the reaction they are after.

  14. Ha ha very funny. One of my best friends tells me that the first “hard on” he ever got was when watching Disney’s Snow White in the cinema. He was five.

  15. BWAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! *dead* The best EVER!! I am literally on my floor rolling! Leggo is CLASSIC! You are truly hilarious and a GREAT writer. I am following! πŸ™‚

  16. Greetings Ella!

    I am enjoying your blog home! How fascinating and brutally honest it is—just like I like blog construction or else why bother to write! I must visit again!

    And thanks so much for visiting my blog!

    Relationship Tears and Cheers,

    Gotta love both!

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