The One with the Psycho Ex

Don’t tell me you’re sorry, ’cause you’re not. Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught.”- Rihanna, Take A Bow.

This next guy I can thank for his contributions to my Dumb Shit Guys Say post (#1 and #3).  Our relationship started out like most of my relationships: I was hooking up with a few of his friends and he wanted a piece of my sweet cherry pie.

The only thing that kept us \wedged/ apart was his girlfriend who hated me, (but I’m like 90% she reads my blog, so I win!). Tara and I had the same taste in men frat boys’ fluids on our breath. I knew how territorial she was about guys- since in the past we had shared so many others.

They were always together  (vomm) like white undies and a skidmark. But in the brief moments she would excuse herself to tinkle, or perhaps bend down to tie her shoes- Blake squeezed in opportunities to flirt with me eye-fuck the shit out of me.

Anywho, I should have etched Blake off my “call him when he’s vulnerable after the break-up” list with his shady flirting. But I didn’t, because I have 6 cells in my brain, and he had a 6-pack of beautiful abs. Oh Lowdy!

So when Tara went abroad on summer vacation, (I think they broke-up, but now I’m not even sure) Blake saw his Chapman window of opportunity and pounced. Guys don’t waste anytime, they may be on-again-off-again with you.  But they’re always ‘on’ somebody else.

Blake and I had a really great time: jacuzzi, wine, Nickelodeon, bar hopping, and the occasional convo about how psycho Tara is.

When Tara came back, he told me how hard it is avoid her, Ella she’s so psycho.  Ella she only thinks she’s my girlfriend. Ella I wish she was more like you …yada yada yada.

But of course, they were together, or at least hooking up. She took him to her formal, and he was in her profile pic. I mean nothing says serious like a prof pic. And that’s all it took. I stopped talking to playing doctor with him: my parting words were “I have eyes and ears everywhere,” because I effing do.

It always amazes me how guys think they can keep their secrets, shenanigans, and charades up. And they will deny, deny, deny til they die.

I mean, you can’t even remember my birthday, the most glorious of days. How do you really expect to keep all your lies aligned and all your hookers apart? If that CIA director dude can get caught, so will you.

I suppose there are four morals to this story:

  • 1. Behind every batshitcrazy, psycho girlfriend is a man that made her that way.
  • 2. If you think he’s cheating, he probably is. And if you wait long enough, maybe his mistress will post a blog to confirm your concerns.
  • 3. Seriously I have eyes and ears everywhere, people!
  • 4. The truth always comes out. Why? Re-read number three.

26 thoughts on “The One with the Psycho Ex

  1. What an ass! Hope the girl reads it – if he aint gonna tell her, someone should! Totally agree with your first point as well. I have been there…unfortunately!

  2. Ah I’m so glad you’re back!! You’ll have to keep us posted if anything comes up with the batshitcray gf. I agree with moral 3 and 4. I just got out of a similar situation O_o

  3. Favorite moral? Number one – AMEN to that. Glad you are still writing – was going to tweet you soon and tell you I needed another Ella story ASAP! 😀

  4. I seriously always love reading your blog. Men are really dumb hah. I hate when someone lies, and its not even a good lie but a lie you totally catch them on. It’s like did you even try?!?

  5. I hate when guys put down the last girl I guess thinking it’s going to make you want them more. He was the one who dated her don’t try to make her sound bad now and why lie about what he’s got going on. Social media and technology is too far advanced and accessible for that mess. I hope she does read your blog and see’s what a jerk he is.

  6. It’s always refreshing to see how the other side thinks. Your writing makes me laugh, so please keep it up!

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