Letting the Guy Pay

27 Dec

“A woman who acts like she can do everything herself, usually ends up having to”- Why Men Love Bitches.

Before a I begin, it’s only fair I tell you that I am a feminist…’s worst nightmare. For my birthday my mom got me laser hair removal for my underarms. Guess which body part I’m getting done for Christmas? That proves feminism just isn’t for me. Sorry.

You know why chivalry’s dead ladies?? Because you let the guys kill it. When I’m walking with a guy, I won’t touch the door. I will literally stand there and wait for him to open it. I’m allergic to door handles. Why risk the germs anyway? His immune system is prob stronger, because he is a man, and men are stronger. (That’s why their razors and deodorants work better, duh).

Now there is a long list of chivalrous deeds we have flushed down the shitter. But the one that must remain is letting the guys pay on the first few dates. Not making the guys pay, letting them.

I think it’s perfectly fine before/during the meal to sweetly say, “Is this a date?” while batting your Bette Davis eyes. If he’s says “no” then he’s either a p*ssy or a dumbass, but at least you know it’s not a date. If he says “yes” then game on!

I’m gonna be real: I make more money than like 90% of guys my age. But I know that by the time I am 25, I will meet the infamous glass ceiling. This is why we have to train men now. He is not buying dinner because you’re hungry. You can feed yourself. Paying for dinner is just like any other gift. A gift you choose to accept.

Imagine if a guy gave you a diamond ring, then gave you the receipt and asked to “split” the cost. Hell NO! So why would you be okay with a guy expecting you to pay for half the meal? That being said, no one likes to give, give, give and not get, get, get.

On the 5th or 6th date when I start to feel like a burden, I usually sneak from the table to buy him a round of his fav beers at the bar. Our dinner date > 2 beers. But it’s not about being equal, it’s about reciprocity.

Once upon a time, I’d pay for dates to prove I don’t need a man to pay my bills. I’m over that shit now; if a guy doesn’t pay, there is no 2nd date. In my experience (and I got lots of it) a guy who lets the girls pay has either no backbone, no cajones, or no fiscal responsibility. Ew. Ew. Ew. AMF (adiosmotherfuther).

50 Responses to “Letting the Guy Pay”

  1. Gelver Aragon December 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

    first of: #correction: last paragraph Cojones not Cajones (:

    I could never let a girl I’m dating pay for anything when we are together. It makes me feel weird and I can’t stand it. I grew up in a culture where Men are supposed to do all those things you mentioned in your post regarding Chivalry. My Latino culture might be Machista, but we Men know how to treat a Woman.

    Fun post to read by the way.

    • bachatera December 6, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

      I dated a Latino man and not only did he gladly let me pay when I offered (when he knew very well I did not have an income, full time student) but he told me how other girls paid for him and gave him rides and how he enjoyed that. I lost respect for him pretty quickly w/o even realizing why, and he never got why either…

  2. ellayourbella December 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    Hahahah I always mix the spellings up.

    Thanks for following, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  3. ellayourbella January 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    Thanks again for the that. Geez Louise

  4. ayoliag February 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    Lol Chivalry aint dead! It’s on life support, if I get to the door first I’m not going to wait for you to open it (Lord knows it’ll be embarrassing if you don’t) but if you open it I’ll say thank you and not make it bad for the next lady.

    I don’t think I’ve ever been out with a guy and he’s paid for me. it’s either I pay for my self or both :S It’s not that I’m trying to be Miss Independent but I I don’t like when they pay, though feels like I owe him. I’d rather spend; I’ll ask for nothing in return.

    • ellayourbella February 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

      Why do you feel you owe him just because he pays? You deserve to date a guy who appreciates your company so much, he feels he owes you. You are not a burden; you are an intelligent, beautiful woman with qualities money can’t buy. My hopes for you is that you find a man so happy that you are willing to spend time with him, that he would expect nothing less than to treat you to dinner. :)

      • ayoliag February 13, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

        Hmmn I have a twisted thought line, been like that for years I fear it’s now irreversible. At this point I’m content with being alone. Love your posts though!

      • marcys May 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

        You know, I think you have to have high self-esteem to feel totally okay about a guy paying. Feminism just confused us further.

  5. Brian March 5, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    Honestly, if a guy takes a girl on a first date that costs so much that he’s not sure if he’s comfortable paying for the whole thing, he’s an idiot.

    If I don’t know a woman well yet, I just stick with meeting for a round of drinks. If she’s pleasant and entertaining, I’ll order another round. If she isn’t, I pay the tab and find someone else there to chat with until I’ve finished my drink.

    If she insists on paying for half of a rather insignificant bar tab, it simplifies things for me, because that makes it very obvious that she’s not interested in seeing me again.

    • ellayourbella March 5, 2012 at 1:03 pm #

      Thank you! These are my thoughts exactly. I was trying to “be nice” once and paid half. Later (years later) he admitted he took that as a sign that I was interested. That wasn’t my intention, but I realize the logic there. More people need to join our train of thought. :)

  6. ameliasattic March 22, 2012 at 4:02 am #

    I think you’re a feminist ;o) feminism is about having a choice, you don’t let anyone dictate your rules and that’s the freedom of feminism :)

    p.s 3rd sesh of lazer yesterday…. 5 more to go. OW OW OW OW. The lengths we go to.

    • Ella March 27, 2012 at 7:03 pm #

      the things we do!!! and yes i love your definition of feminism, right on the nose!!

    • Radical Radish November 14, 2014 at 9:14 am #

      “Choosey choice” is not feminism. The problem is that women don’t HAVE a choice. That’s what being on the wrong side of oppression means. Your choice-making area is compromised.

      Saying “don’t let them”… doesn’t work. Would we say to male slaves “just don’t let them enslave you- that’s what being a human rights activist means!”


      The problem is that the perpetrators *choose* to victimize others with their own free will. The victim never had a choice.

      Letting a man pay for your things jives with feminism just fine. This is still a man’s world and a man should be eager to give to a woman what was originally earned off her and the backs of her sisters.

  7. caprimontgomery March 28, 2012 at 1:29 am #

    This one is hard one. I’ve heard guys who can’t stand it when they have to pay, and others who can’t stand it when they don’t. I say go Dutch. You pay for yours, He pays for his and everybody can be moderately happy. I don’t have a problem with opening the door, but what I do hate is when the guy gets there first, opens the door, goes in, and then lets the door close in my face. It’s like, “hello, I was right behind you and you couldn’t hold it for two more seconds?”

    Great post by the way.

  8. caprimontgomery March 28, 2012 at 1:33 am #

    Dating is confusing. I have come across guys who hate when a woman wants them to pay, and then those who hate it when she doesn’t. I say go Dutch. You pay for yours, he pays for his and everybody can be moderately happy. As for doors…I can open my own so that doesn’t bother me. But what I absolutely hate is when the guy gets to the door first, opens it, goes in and then lets the door close in my face. It’s like, “hello, I was right behind you and you couldn’t hold it for two seconds?”

    I like your blog posts by the way.

    • Ella April 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

      Thank you!

    • lovelycoach April 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

      I happened to do a little research on this topic, asking guys and girls how they felt about who pays for dates. The results were fairly mixed, but overall, people were all for guys paying, at least at first. They need to. The only thing any guy said he expected in return was good company. Here’s the full report, but anyone reading this can trust Ella (nice points on the gift giving). Let him pay. http://cheatingjune.com/2011/11/15/date-rates-why-men-should-pick-up-the-tab/

      • Ella April 13, 2012 at 3:25 pm #


  9. Ms. Raven Marie April 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    I’m glad I found someone else that agrees on my views of chivalry! When I reach the door first, I stand there and wait for my boyfriend to open the door. I’m not rude about it-I don’t rush him; I just wait. And you know what? He INSISTS on doing so. If I open my car door, he’ll look disappointed and say “Oh, I wanted to get that for you.” I simply smile and let him know that it’s alright. He pays for virtually EVERYTHING when we go out. Of course I’m understanding when he doesn’t have much on him (he’s only 21 and a server at a restaurant)-and of course I don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu. I will treat him at times and take him out to dinner and a movie for birthdays or when I just randomly feel like it. This is after almost 4 years. :) Thanks for the post!

    • Ella April 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

      That is awesome!!!! Kudos

  10. BBE April 14, 2012 at 2:19 am #

    I found it. Ty.

    Alright. The scenario goes like this.
    Me: I would like to pay the bill.
    Her: Nope, we will split it.
    Me: It will be my pleasure if you would let me to cover it. Thank you again for accepting to go out with me. ( And i am honest i feel really flattered when she’s out with me)

    What should i say if she insists again that she should pay for herself, more like making her point not that she does not want to go out with me again, but rather that she is strong and independent.

    In my humble man mind nothing polite comes up that i can say to her in a phrase that will solve the “drama”. Maybe i should do my homework better, but i am hoping that i can take a peek into your paperwork and “steal” some answers

    • Ella April 15, 2012 at 3:46 am #

      You could get up to “go to the bathroom” and then slip your card to the server. I do that when I want to pay for someone who I know will throw a fit (a gf, my mom, a guy I’m dating). This brings the element of surprise, shows you want to pay. And eliminates any chance of her insiting to “split” the bill. If you’re somewhere like a Subway (haha) or McDonalds where you pay upfront, you could order first then tell the cashier you’re paying for her order as well. “I’ll have the Big Mac and whatever she’s wants.” Although I really hope you’re not taking girls to Mickey D’s on dates ;)

  11. spektakx April 30, 2012 at 6:24 am #

    You know what sucks about doors these days, these places that have two of them. Whenever I go into a place, if I see a woman or women, or old people walking up, I’ll try to get there first and hold the door for them. So then in they go, only to be greeted by another door. Then we have to do the “door-holding pass-off dance” as I try and snake my arm around or over their head to now hold this one open. This two doors thing and helping chivalry either.

    • vMonster June 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

      Haha I’ve noticed that. The guy gets door #1 and I have door #2 in my face and guy is behind me. Normally I just grab that one. As long as they grab the check.

  12. femistorian May 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    Just wanted to let you know, I’m a feminist and I LOVE your blog. And I fully intend to get all my body-hair laser removed when I’ve got the money. And as someone else noted, feminism is definitely all about choice, and you’re totally exercising that! Keep up the awesome posts!

    • Ella May 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

      LOVE to hear that, thank you! PS laser-hair removal = more painful than a tattoo, waxing, threading. omg so painful

      • marcys May 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

        That’s why you have to be strong-like-bull to have it done, which is a very feminist way to be!

  13. Kiana Lee May 8, 2012 at 8:15 am #

    Ain’t this the truth?! If they refuse to bust out the plastic…even just to wave it in front of you to pretend to pay, there’s no. second. date.

  14. howtoonlinedate May 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    yes, yes, and yes! im going to send this link to my sister because you put it so eloquently

  15. marcys May 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Hey Ella, I am a diehard feminist, and I’m with you, let the guy pay! Most men make more money than most women–you’re unusual. One of my favorite sayings, from another diehard feminist, is, “Don’t give up your privileges until you get your rights.”

    • Ella May 23, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

      yes I LOVE that!!!!!!!

  16. Donald Miller May 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Reblogged this on The WordExpress Weekly and commented:
    I like her straightforward take– and its wisdom

    • Ella June 5, 2012 at 10:56 am #

      Thank you!!!!

  17. vMonster June 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    “…if a guy doesn’t pay, there is no 2nd date.”

    AMEN sister! I was beginning to think I was an antifeminist turd, but you’ve inspired me to repost a blog I did awhile back on my personal blog called “Chivalry – WTF Happened?” ..and not feel even slightly bad about it.

  18. Eric R. Shelton June 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    Bravo, Ella! When a girl offers to pay her half the tab or ask how much the tickets is I always have to calmly dismiss their query. When pressed, I simply explain I was raised a little old-fashioned and this is simply how a gentleman is supposed to treat a lady. Around their 2nd or 3rd protestation I tell them they’re verging on offending me now, and they usually explain they’ve literally never had a guy pick up the check. It’s a sad, sad state of affairs. But a great post on your part.

  19. solapuella August 8, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    I’m not sure I could pull this off, but I have much to learn from you.

    • Ella August 8, 2012 at 8:51 pm #

      it gets easier everytime :)

  20. Gabbie Glick August 14, 2012 at 7:58 am #

    Ella, you are a joy! Yes, I’m a long-time feminist, yet never felt uncomfortable with a man paying for dinner. However, whenever I want to assume the bill-paying duties, I merely slip my card to restaurant staff to surprise my dining partner.

    • Ella August 16, 2012 at 10:07 am #

      I completely agree, and do the exact same thing!!

  21. Ten Carat October 15, 2012 at 2:04 am #

    Ella, great blog. I fully agree with letting the man pay for the first date. For me generosity is something I value in a relationship…and it goes both ways. The best way at the very beginnning to see if the guy is generous, is to see if he pays.

  22. girlseule February 23, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

    I’m getting lazer in a few days and I’m a feminist. You can be a hair-free feminist. I pay for my own shit, but if I ever live with a guy he’s going to be doing half the house work.

    • Radical Radish November 14, 2014 at 9:35 am #

      You can be hair free and a feminist- just as you can be a slave against slavery. But you cannot say that waxing is a feminist act. It is a bizarre thing to shave off or rip out your hair. Hair removal is a popular part of brain-washing and torture programs for a reason (think death camps and cults).

      Ik this is scary to think about. The hazing and ridicule unshaved woman face in the west is horrific and sick. But we need to be brave enough to face the big questions instead of covering them up with:

      1. i just like it (and people like fast food too but it’s an acquired taste and unhealthy)
      2. it’s more sanitary (hair is there to protect skin and membranes and ingrowns are especially nasty from shaving)

      • girlseule October 15, 2015 at 5:49 pm #

        Well said!


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