Happy Birthday, Baby!

11 Apr

“Birthdays lead to sex, and sex leads to birthdays”- Ella, 2009

I often spend my Wednesday mornings on my porcelain Kohler toilet expelling the 2 for 1 margaritas and $5 taco buffet from the previous Tuesday night. After a few gargles of mouthwash, I move onto the most important task of the day: checking the birthdays of the upcoming weekend. Social media has made the art of seduction much easier for the femme fetales of today.

A quick tickle of my keyboard and (ding!) I got a list of all the birthday boys just waiting for my lovin’. [I’ve used this tactic with ZackLukeFreddy, and many, many more].

You see, when a girl’s birthday encroaches she’s already got a week planned of group dinners, bar crawls, a Vegas trip, plastic shot glass necklaces & tiaras. Sometimes the Queen Bee Bitch gets the group to wear matching outfits.  

But the poor souls of the penis persuasion don’t get showered with the same gifts, attention, free drinks from the local bar creeper. This is where you come in (ding!).

Aww [insert name here] your birthday’s coming up! What epic plans do you have?

-Not sure, I’m gonna keep it low key.

But you’re the birthday boy! Who’s gonna spoil you?!

-I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.

It’s your day of birth! I’m coming over with a bottle of wine and cake.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Birthdays are the optimum time to prey on the vulnerability of a guy who secretly wants to be showered- but can’t ask his bros to do the deed. Pretty much anything goes, Let’s get drunk… because it’s your birthday. Or I wore my special panties… because it’s your birthday!  And obvi, make use of Jeremih‘s claim to fame.

Look, when guys are blowing out their candles, they’re wishing for one thing. And it’s something (most of) his frat bros won’t give him. Remember: it’s not slutty, it’s selfless. So go forth my little birthday fairies. Just a wave of his stick, and finish the trick, bippity boppity boo!

63 Responses to “Happy Birthday, Baby!”

  1. A How To Site On Getting Girls April 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Wow! You are a genius. Bravo!

    • Mandy April 11, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

      that is AWESOME!!!

  2. The Universe is Gray April 11, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

    my bday is May 5 lol.

    • Ella April 11, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

      Cinco de drinko. Festive ;)

  3. Mandy April 11, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

    Ella this is brilliant reading! I am going to have to borrow this one…I hope you dont mind

    • Ella April 11, 2012 at 10:27 pm #

      Hahah just give me some credit xoxo!

      • Mandy April 11, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

        OF COURSE!! can you add the little buttons for re-blogging? unless you have that option somewhere and I cant find it…

      • Ella April 11, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

        if you’re on your computer it should be on the top left corner. To the right of “following”. You are AWESOME!

      • Mandy April 12, 2012 at 12:25 am #

        I got the FOLLOW thing down…but like on my blogs there’s the buttons for retweeting, pinning, FB, etc…I didnt see that on yours :(

  4. deangump April 12, 2012 at 3:19 am #

    haha epic post! And a great tip, I’ll have to keep it in mind! :)

  5. Erin Elizabeth April 12, 2012 at 5:52 am #

    LMAO – thanks for the post Ella – needed that this mornin’!

  6. lolosofocused April 12, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    “Just a wave of his stick, and finish the trick, bippity boppity boo!”


    • Ella April 12, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      Thank you! i’m glad that somebody caught that

  7. natasiarose April 12, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    Tell him to bring over some birthday lingerie along with the cake and wine! ;)

  8. CappPrice April 12, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    Excellent Post….makes me mad my birthday falls in September!!

    • Ella April 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

      That’s a busy season! ;)

  9. The Naked Bunny Blogs April 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    I’m so jealous that I didn’t have a friend like you while I was in college because my birthdays almost always sucked.

  10. Carolina Courtland April 12, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    You are very sly and sneaky, girl. LOL

    • Ella April 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

      And you can be too! Hehe

  11. Looking For Love April 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm #

    I love birthdays!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 1:04 am #

      Me tool ;)

      • Looking For Love April 13, 2012 at 3:09 am #

        I celebrate ALL August for my birthday! Every single day I do something for myself. :)

      • Ella April 13, 2012 at 9:19 am #

        that is wonderful!!

  12. kassiastclair April 13, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    This is hilarious, even though I’m British and just do not understand the Frat-system nuances!


    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      thank you Kassia! I was in a sosority for four years in college & still don’t know how to explain it. it’s a strange concept to say the least.

  13. shetraces April 13, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    Haha. I like your boldness. Somehow, I need to start being more selfless with the birthday love!

    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 11:17 am #

      hahah ;) we all do

  14. GOOCHIE April 13, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    haha! have we met before ! this is one of my favorite tricks! onllllllllllllly if he’s worthy lol

    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 11:49 am #

      oooh I forgot to add that part. Only if he’s worthy indeed!!

  15. IzaakMak April 13, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

    That’s brilliant, not to mention downright saintly! My BDay is December 10th and I’m waiting with bated breath… :wink:

    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

      I’m Oct 27!!

  16. patrickandersonjr April 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    Great blog, love the tone. Not going to lie, I didn’t know what to expect when I visited, but this is all a lot of fun to read. Looking forward to seeing more.

    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

      glad you liked it :)

  17. chancedagger April 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    Chance is glad you stumbled over him. He is learning a lot from you, although what use it will be to him is anyone’s guess. You are a sharp, funny person.

    • Ella April 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

      Hahaha thank you!

  18. chancedagger April 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

    Learning a lot from reading your blog although I better not try putting any of it into use. Sharp, funny stuff.
    What’s the last book you read?

  19. julianasliema April 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

    that is a great idea. any excuse will do! :P

    i’d like to try out some more like, memorial day, independence day, thursday… :D

    • Ella April 15, 2012 at 3:46 am #

      Bahahhhaha you’re hilarious! Thursday!

  20. The perverted Sage April 15, 2012 at 9:39 am #

    Amazing Post! Kind of reminds of a thing I do for fun. I’ll start talking to pretty and engaging young thing not unlike yourself, and during the convo, she finds out it’s the day I came into this lovely world. Usually we exchange numbers, and before I leave I utter: “Birthday Sex?” Always promises to end on a fun note.

  21. Coco April 15, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    love it!!

  22. :::stacee.michelle::: April 15, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

    Im interested to see what next Tuesday brings! haha hilarious. Best, ::SM::

  23. Darren Stone April 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

    That’s funny. Hilarious actually :)

  24. rivertems April 16, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    My ex (wish he was current) boo thang’s birthday is coming up soon. Three guesses as to what I’m gonna do

    • Ella April 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

      Get it!!! Rekindle that flame!

  25. Jonathan Cloward April 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

    cute :)

  26. jeweliette23 April 19, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    Hah, cute blog on dating adventures! I was thinking of doing one – dating in NYC has its share of crazy stories – but now I have a bf.

  27. renaissan April 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    This is freaking HILARIOUS! Love it

    • Ella April 26, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

      thank you!!!!!!!!

  28. Claire April 26, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

    Haha, you da bomb, girlie.

    • Ella April 26, 2012 at 7:49 pm #

      thanks!!! <3

  29. thechauvinistkaiser April 30, 2012 at 9:04 pm #


  30. lolosofocused May 1, 2012 at 8:52 am #

    Just letting you know that I think you’re pretty awesome and I’ve nominated you for ‘The Versatile Blogger Award’… for more information check out my blog post at http://lolosofocused.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/me-versatile-why-thank-you/ and Congratulations… Please keep up the awesomeness! Lol

    • Ella May 1, 2012 at 10:15 am #

      Awesome thanks!

  31. Marti Parham May 9, 2012 at 3:33 am #

    You are funny. Great blog. I wish you the best, but hey with over 31,000 followers I think you’re good. How did you manage that anyway? I’m still struggling to make 100 before the end of the year.

    Until next time…

    • Elliott Hakim May 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

      Absolutely hilarious and true. My birthday just went last month and my fiancée blew me away.

      Great read.

      • Ella May 22, 2012 at 6:46 pm #

        fiancee?… who spoils you!?! congrats!

  32. rozplus4 May 30, 2012 at 5:12 am #

    holy crap you’re funny! Everything you say is so true … love this … haha … you must be fun to hang out with …

    • Ella May 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

      Thank you, I’d like to fancy myself fun, but not sure if everyone else would agreee

  33. ofsexandmen June 6, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    I love how you can take such a taboo subject and just run with it in all of your posts (with no shame)! The concept of your blog is genius–reading up on your past flings and categorizing them is such a clever idea. You are absolutely going to be a writer I will look to for inspiration on my own blog. Your blog is so easy to read (lots of bold and underline text) that I almost didn’t realize how much time was flying by. Enjoyed the pictures, love the sarcasm and voice in your writing. Can’t wait for more! xx

    • Ella June 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

      wow thank you so much, i really apprecitae your feedback! sending many positive vibes your way xoxo :)

  34. Lu August 10, 2012 at 4:50 am #

    I am amazed at how this blog isn’t a tv show with HBO already….

    • Ella August 10, 2012 at 7:33 am #

      Hahahah I wish!!!

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