Happy Birthday, Baby!

“Birthdays lead to sex, and sex leads to birthdays”- Ella, 2009

I often spend my Wednesday mornings on my porcelain Kohler toilet expelling the 2 for 1 margaritas and $5 taco buffet from the previous Tuesday night. After a few gargles of mouthwash, I move onto the most important task of the day: checking the birthdays of the upcoming weekend. Social media has made the art of seduction much easier for the femme fetales of today.

A quick tickle of my keyboard and (ding!) I got a list of all the birthday boys just waiting for my lovin’. [I’ve used this tactic with ZackLukeFreddy, and many, many more].

You see, when a girl’s birthday encroaches she’s already got a week planned of group dinners, bar crawls, a Vegas trip, plastic shot glass necklaces & tiaras. Sometimes the Queen Bee Bitch gets the group to wear matching outfits.  

But the poor souls of the penis persuasion don’t get showered with the same gifts, attention, free drinks from the local bar creeper. This is where you come in (ding!).

Aww [insert name here] your birthday’s coming up! What epic plans do you have?

-Not sure, I’m gonna keep it low key.

But you’re the birthday boy! Who’s gonna spoil you?!

-I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.

It’s your day of birth! I’m coming over with a bottle of wine and cake.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Birthdays are the optimum time to prey on the vulnerability of a guy who secretly wants to be showered- but can’t ask his bros to do the deed. Pretty much anything goes, Let’s get drunk… because it’s your birthday. Or I wore my special panties… because it’s your birthday!  And obvi, make use of Jeremih‘s claim to fame.

Look, when guys are blowing out their candles, they’re wishing for one thing. And it’s something (most of) his frat bros won’t give him. Remember: it’s not slutty, it’s selfless. So go forth my little birthday fairies. Just a wave of his stick, and finish the trick, bippity boppity boo!

63 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Baby!

    • thank you Kassia! I was in a sosority for four years in college & still don’t know how to explain it. it’s a strange concept to say the least.

  1. Amazing Post! Kind of reminds of a thing I do for fun. I’ll start talking to pretty and engaging young thing not unlike yourself, and during the convo, she finds out it’s the day I came into this lovely world. Usually we exchange numbers, and before I leave I utter: “Birthday Sex?” Always promises to end on a fun note.

  2. You are funny. Great blog. I wish you the best, but hey with over 31,000 followers I think you’re good. How did you manage that anyway? I’m still struggling to make 100 before the end of the year.

    Until next time…

  3. I love how you can take such a taboo subject and just run with it in all of your posts (with no shame)! The concept of your blog is genius–reading up on your past flings and categorizing them is such a clever idea. You are absolutely going to be a writer I will look to for inspiration on my own blog. Your blog is so easy to read (lots of bold and underline text) that I almost didn’t realize how much time was flying by. Enjoyed the pictures, love the sarcasm and voice in your writing. Can’t wait for more! xx

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