For Men’s Eyes Only

“Experience is what you get, when you don’t get what you wanted”- Randy Pausch.

Originally, I started this blog to empower young women in the dating scene (hellllo it’s pink for a reason, people). But it has come to my attention that people of the penis persuasion are reading this.  My guy friend pointed out, “I’ve read about what you girls don’t like, why don’t you tell us what you do want?

Alright chicos, this one’s for you. As the opening quote indicates, you have really failed at giving me what I want. So, consider me experienced. For the record, I don’t hate guys. I love you. I love you a lot. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about, writing about, making out with you. I don’t mean to bash you in every blog, but you’ve just made it so easy.

Problem is guys ages 20-29 are tools. They just wanna get hammered and screw (see what I did there? Tools, hammer, screw. Ha). Even most of the ‘nice’ ones gotta dollop-of-douche. Look guys. I get it. You love your bodies. You love your body parts. But just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one. (dick.prick.ass.asshole.) Capiche? You were rejected by your ex-girlfriend who finally realized she was out of your league. Don’t take that out on me just because I’m out of your league too.

To be fair, I’m aware girls can be a wee bit bitchy… but that’s because we’re starving for your attention just plain starving. We are trying to be skinny for you (and our formals and undie run). That way after you hook-up with us, you won’t nickname us “Leslie Saggy-Tits” behind our back. If we seem grumpy, it aint PMS. We’re hungry. Stop being a cheap bastard and feed us….on a date… in public. And no, Starbucks & Yogurtland don’t count, I said stop being cheap. You need to wine and dine, baby. Wine and dine. On that note, at a party, at a bar, wherever, you should be quenching our thirst. Gimme three drinks and I might ignore the fact that you’re overweight, hairy in all the wrong places, and your other short-comings. Boys, you are not that cute, but booze helps us forget that little detail.

Oh… you think you’re cute? Reality check: Men in their 20’s date girls who are in their 20’s; Men in their 30’s also want the girls who are in their 20’s. So you may have been a hot-shot in your college frat, but in the real world to pull hot chicks, you will compete with established men who have jobs. Your face just isn’t as attractive as the gifts older men can (and do) send to us.

Speaking of jobs. Don’t expect a girl to give you a job, if you don’t have a job. You catching what I’m throwing?

Lastly, if you want love advice, don’t ask your frat bro. I hear guys give each other the worst advice in the world. Nah dude you gotta point out one of her flaws, because she’s hot and always gets compliments. And don’t ask your bros’ girlfriends either. Girls in relationships have clouded judgement- love turns our brains to mush. If you want an honest, real answer you need to ask a single lady for love advice. Condi Rice, Oprah Winfrey, and Patti Stanger are happily single, Heidi Montag is happily in love. Case-in-point.

And don’t worry gentleman, I’ll make sure to throw more shout-outs your way in future posts.

Lesson to Consider:

  • You may lose money chasing woman, but you’ll never lose women chasing money. So get your shit together and get a job. Say it with me: get-a-job.
  • Once you start making money, buy us something. Because 97% of your personal purchases (clothes, cologne, nasal-hair trimmers) are for us anyway.
  • The only dating advice you should get from a woman in a relationship is a MILF, who will pretty much re-iterate what I said above.
  • If you do have a job, do take girls out on dates, and consider yourself nice, then you may be a creep. An article how not to be a creep is in the works.

47 thoughts on “For Men’s Eyes Only

  1. Oh hi, thanks for liking my blog, I can tell you’re a total sweetheart just from reading a few posts, try a Christian guy, you might be pleasantly surprised, good luck with your love life, do not settle for these a holes you are writing about. . . . love, Hamid

  2. Bravo on this post! I thoroughly enjoyed it and I dare say that I’m curious about your ‘discarded men’ lol. Well done and thanks for stopping by. Following…

  3. From what I’ve seen here, I would never be interested in dating you or someone who took your advice. There is so much hetero-normative assumptions and privilege,as well as stupid gender role stereotyping, I cannot take any advice here seriously.

    So, have fun with this, but I think I’ll play with the adults.


    • Interesting feedback.

      My hopes are that these “sterotypes” I perpetuate- are no longer the norm and become endangered exceptions. Unfortunately, many others have shared similar experiences.

      Perhaps, you’d prefer to focus on the marginalized and praise those who defy such hetero-normativity.

      You and I hold different discourses, but we share the same goal/desire: widespread love and acceptance. And I’m cool with that.

      Take Care!

  4. I think you make some very valid points. But [i]Most[/i] 20-29 year old women are also very seriously flawed in their expectations of men. High school, TV, the internet and our parents very seriously warp us, so that at 18, we have no idea how to actually have a relationship. Most people spend at least some of the time between 18 and 29 figuring that out, the lucky ones, at least.

    Men, first, you don’t have a “type”. Don’t pass up an absolutely amazing girl because she has the wrong hair color, or is a size 10. (Marilyn Monroe was anywhere between a 10 and 16 during the height of her career).

    Next, women don’t want gimmicks.

    One last point. Boys, if you don’t look like a Calvin Klein model, don’t expect to be dating girls that look like Victoria’s Secret models.

  5. Reblogged this on peipie and commented:
    Aaah, love Ella’s article! Especially the part about taking advice from a MILF. I’m sure I am a MILF to someone out there. *silence*… sigh.

  6. Girls who take your advice will wind up as trophies. And guys who take a cue from this post will be as douchey and superficial as you claim to hate.

    You’re young and enjoying the game, I get it. Just don’t presume you’re helping.

  7. Hi! My name is Kingsley and I am one of the men who has recently found your blong. I think you are doing both men and women a larger disservice with this post.

    In the end, I feel that you made some poor choices in your past, but to generalize both genders does more harm than good — and insults the intelligence of your readers. I think you can do better than this. We all can.

  8. Pingback: ellayourbella’s Blog | bittersportspills

    • Thank you so much! I just read your post about it, I am unbelievably flattered and humbled. I’m glad you appreciate my cynical humor, some people take it a bit too seriously 🙂

      Take Care!

  9. Brilliant writing. A few other things you might want to consider. If you spend too much time in alcohol-centered activities, your going to find lots of guys who aren’t worth your time. And if you want someone other than an overheated, over-lubricated frat boy, focus on someone who has a direction in life based on internal values other than making money (as essential as that is). Finally, if a woman continues to be disappointed in men, it is sometimes a matter of her choosing the wrong guys. Don’t try to find a man and change him, try to find a good man from the start, even though that is quite hard to do.

  10. I think you might have dated my coworder last week…lol. My coworker, who is single, was complaining about his last date with somebody he met online. What was he complaining about? She absolutely refused to pay for her portion of His new mission is to make her think he is interested in her, so he can do his business with her, and dump her. Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with this kind of mental warfare anymore.

  11. Here I am writing from Bucharest, Romania. I’m an American ex-pat. Anyway, 20 year old women and 60 year old men is not weird here. But those not are life-time arrangements either. Two years on average. But it’s kinda weird that similarly-aged couples have about the same expiration date.

    Confident, educated, and attractive women seem to be more practical-minded than confident, educated, and attractive men. I want to avoid stereotypes, however.

    Maturity varies – of course. Culture and education too. And then there’s spirit and faith.

    None of this matters – of course. Love obeys no rules. Nor reason. It comes (immediately) or it doesn’t come at all. You accept it (immediately) or you don’t. Everything else is just convenient, useful, easy, or cowardice.

    But I could be mistaken.

  12. Aah, Leslie Saggy-Tits, wherever did you go? I realise now that my decision to go for Brenda Bazooka-Baps was purely down to awe rather than love. Oh well, live and learn.

  13. I have found in the past from past experiences that it’s not easy. Women need to speak up more and say what they want. Not what they think we should know. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

  14. Sorry, I need my glasses to read “For Men’s Eyes Only,” and I can’t find them anywhere. I’m trying to think of the word for yours. Whimsy? And that’s probably the only time I’ve used that word.

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