“Experience is what you get, when you don’t get what you wanted”- Randy Pausch.
Originally, I started this blog to empower young women in the dating scene (hellllo it’s pink for a reason, people). But it has come to my attention that people of the penis persuasion are reading this. My guy friend pointed out, “I’ve read about what you girls don’t like, why don’t you tell us what you do want?“
Alright chicos, this one’s for you. As the opening quote indicates, you have really failed at giving me what I want. So, consider me experienced. For the record, I don’t hate guys. I love you. I love you a lot. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about, writing about, making out with you. I don’t mean to bash you in every blog, but you’ve just made it so easy.
Problem is guys ages 20-29 are tools. They just wanna get hammered and screw (see what I did there? Tools, hammer, screw. Ha). Even most of the ‘nice’ ones gotta dollop-of-douche. Look guys. I get it. You love your bodies. You love your body parts. But just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one. (dick.prick.ass.asshole.) Capiche? You were rejected by your ex-girlfriend who finally realized she was out of your league. Don’t take that out on me just because I’m out of your league too.
To be fair, I’m aware girls can be a wee bit bitchy… but that’s because we’re
starving for your attention just plain starving. We are trying to be skinny for you (and our formals and undie run). That way after you hook-up with us, you won’t nickname us “Leslie Saggy-Tits” behind our back. If we seem grumpy, it aint PMS. We’re hungry. Stop being a cheap bastard and feed us….on a date… in public. And no, Starbucks & Yogurtland don’t count, I said stop being cheap. You need to wine and dine, baby. Wine and dine. On that note, at a party, at a bar, wherever, you should be quenching our thirst. Gimme three drinks and I might ignore the fact that you’re overweight, hairy in all the wrong places, and your other short-comings. Boys, you are not that cute, but booze helps us forget that little detail.
Oh… you think you’re cute? Reality check: Men in their 20’s date girls who are in their 20’s; Men in their 30’s also want the girls who are in their 20’s. So you may have been a hot-shot in your college frat, but in the real world to pull hot chicks, you will compete with established men who have jobs. Your face just isn’t as attractive as the gifts older men can (and do) send to us.
Speaking of jobs. Don’t expect a girl to give you a job, if you don’t have a job. You catching what I’m throwing?
Lastly, if you want love advice, don’t ask your frat bro. I hear guys give each other the worst advice in the world. Nah dude you gotta point out one of her flaws, because she’s hot and always gets compliments. And don’t ask your bros’ girlfriends either. Girls in relationships have clouded judgement- love turns our brains to mush. If you want an honest, real answer you need to ask a single lady for love advice. Condi Rice, Oprah Winfrey, and Patti Stanger are happily single, Heidi Montag is happily in love. Case-in-point.
And don’t worry gentleman, I’ll make sure to throw more shout-outs your way in future posts.
Lesson to Consider:
- You may lose money chasing woman, but you’ll never lose women chasing money. So get your shit together and get a job. Say it with me: get-a-job.
- Once you start making money, buy us something. Because 97% of your personal purchases (clothes, cologne, nasal-hair trimmers) are for us anyway.
- The only dating advice you should get from a woman in a relationship is a MILF, who will pretty much re-iterate what I said above.
- If you do have a job, do take girls out on dates, and consider yourself nice, then you may be a creep. An article how not to be a creep is in the works.