“Birthdays lead to sex, and sex leads to birthdays”- Ella, 2009
I often spend my Wednesday mornings on my porcelain Kohler toilet expelling the 2 for 1 margaritas and $5 taco buffet from the previous Tuesday night. After a few gargles of mouthwash, I move onto the most important task of the day: checking the birthdays of the upcoming weekend. Social media has made the art of seduction much easier for the femme fetales of today.
A quick tickle of my keyboard and (ding!) I got a list of all the birthday boys just waiting for my lovin’. [I’ve used this tactic with Zack, Luke, Freddy, and many, many more].
You see, when a girl’s birthday encroaches she’s already got a week planned of group dinners, bar crawls, a Vegas trip, plastic shot glass necklaces & tiaras. Sometimes the Queen Bee Bitch gets the group to wear matching outfits.
But the poor souls of the penis persuasion don’t get showered with the same gifts, attention, free drinks from the local bar creeper. This is where you come in (ding!).
Aww [insert name here] your birthday’s coming up! What epic plans do you have?
-Not sure, I’m gonna keep it low key.
But you’re the birthday boy! Who’s gonna spoil you?!
-I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.
It’s your day of birth! I’m coming over with a bottle of wine and cake.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Birthdays are the optimum time to prey on the vulnerability of a guy who secretly wants to be showered- but can’t ask his bros to do the deed. Pretty much anything goes, Let’s get drunk… because it’s your birthday. Or I wore my special panties… because it’s your birthday! And obvi, make use of Jeremih‘s claim to fame.
Look, when guys are blowing out their candles, they’re wishing for one thing. And it’s something (most of) his frat bros won’t give him. Remember: it’s not slutty, it’s selfless. So go forth my little birthday fairies. Just a wave of his stick, and finish the trick, bippity boppity boo!
Wow! You are a genius. Bravo!
that is AWESOME!!!
my bday is May 5 lol.
Cinco de drinko. Festive 😉
Ella this is brilliant reading! I am going to have to borrow this one…I hope you dont mind
Hahah just give me some credit xoxo!
OF COURSE!! can you add the little buttons for re-blogging? unless you have that option somewhere and I cant find it…
if you’re on your computer it should be on the top left corner. To the right of “following”. You are AWESOME!
I got the FOLLOW thing down…but like on my blogs there’s the buttons for retweeting, pinning, FB, etc…I didnt see that on yours 😦
haha epic post! And a great tip, I’ll have to keep it in mind! 🙂
LMAO – thanks for the post Ella – needed that this mornin’!
“Just a wave of his stick, and finish the trick, bippity boppity boo!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! That was effing CLASSIC!
Thank you! i’m glad that somebody caught that
Tell him to bring over some birthday lingerie along with the cake and wine! 😉
Excellent Post….makes me mad my birthday falls in September!!
That’s a busy season! 😉
I’m so jealous that I didn’t have a friend like you while I was in college because my birthdays almost always sucked.
You are very sly and sneaky, girl. LOL
And you can be too! Hehe
My God, how do you know me so well?
I love birthdays!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me tool 😉
I celebrate ALL August for my birthday! Every single day I do something for myself. 🙂
that is wonderful!!
This is hilarious, even though I’m British and just do not understand the Frat-system nuances!
kassia
thank you Kassia! I was in a sosority for four years in college & still don’t know how to explain it. it’s a strange concept to say the least.
Haha. I like your boldness. Somehow, I need to start being more selfless with the birthday love!
hahah 😉 we all do
haha! have we met before ! this is one of my favorite tricks! onllllllllllllly if he’s worthy lol
oooh I forgot to add that part. Only if he’s worthy indeed!!
That’s brilliant, not to mention downright saintly! My BDay is December 10th and I’m waiting with bated breath… 😉
I’m Oct 27!!
Great blog, love the tone. Not going to lie, I didn’t know what to expect when I visited, but this is all a lot of fun to read. Looking forward to seeing more.
glad you liked it 🙂
Ella:
Chance is glad you stumbled over him. He is learning a lot from you, although what use it will be to him is anyone’s guess. You are a sharp, funny person.
Hahaha thank you!
Ella:
Learning a lot from reading your blog although I better not try putting any of it into use. Sharp, funny stuff.
What’s the last book you read?
that is a great idea. any excuse will do! 😛
i’d like to try out some more like, memorial day, independence day, thursday… 😀
Bahahhhaha you’re hilarious! Thursday!
Amazing Post! Kind of reminds of a thing I do for fun. I’ll start talking to pretty and engaging young thing not unlike yourself, and during the convo, she finds out it’s the day I came into this lovely world. Usually we exchange numbers, and before I leave I utter: “Birthday Sex?” Always promises to end on a fun note.
love it!!
Im interested to see what next Tuesday brings! haha hilarious. Best, ::SM::
That’s funny. Hilarious actually 🙂
My ex (wish he was current) boo thang’s birthday is coming up soon. Three guesses as to what I’m gonna do
Get it!!! Rekindle that flame!
cute 🙂
Hah, cute blog on dating adventures! I was thinking of doing one – dating in NYC has its share of crazy stories – but now I have a bf.
This is freaking HILARIOUS! Love it
thank you!!!!!!!!
Haha, you da bomb, girlie.
thanks!!! ❤
Interesting…
Just letting you know that I think you’re pretty awesome and I’ve nominated you for ‘The Versatile Blogger Award’… for more information check out my blog post at http://lolosofocused.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/me-versatile-why-thank-you/ and Congratulations… Please keep up the awesomeness! Lol
Awesome thanks!
You are funny. Great blog. I wish you the best, but hey with over 31,000 followers I think you’re good. How did you manage that anyway? I’m still struggling to make 100 before the end of the year.
Until next time…
Absolutely hilarious and true. My birthday just went last month and my fiancée blew me away.
Great read.
fiancee?… who spoils you!?! congrats!
holy crap you’re funny! Everything you say is so true … love this … haha … you must be fun to hang out with …
Thank you, I’d like to fancy myself fun, but not sure if everyone else would agreee
I love how you can take such a taboo subject and just run with it in all of your posts (with no shame)! The concept of your blog is genius–reading up on your past flings and categorizing them is such a clever idea. You are absolutely going to be a writer I will look to for inspiration on my own blog. Your blog is so easy to read (lots of bold and underline text) that I almost didn’t realize how much time was flying by. Enjoyed the pictures, love the sarcasm and voice in your writing. Can’t wait for more! xx
wow thank you so much, i really apprecitae your feedback! sending many positive vibes your way xoxo 🙂
I am amazed at how this blog isn’t a tv show with HBO already….
Hahahah I wish!!!