Post-Hookup Etiquette

“Don’t leave your panties on his ceiling fan… your shit my end up on some frat house wall-of-shame.”- Ella.

A typical courting (first date, first kiss), is what we long for. But often we gotta settle for the casual, meaningless hookup. This doesn’t mean the dude is meaningless, per say. But the nature of the relationship is 1. not exclusive and 2. didn’t involve dinner. Ladies, your post-hookup etiquette is all wrong. Simply terrible. You’re sending the wrong vibes. Advice like this is long overdue, and I’m here to save you from yourselves.

First of all, never ever ever ever (ever!) let a guy crash at your pad unless you’re in a relationship. He does not need to see your stuffed animals, photos of your BFFs, or your unmentionables (tampons, vibrators, lube, self-help books). Furthermore, kicking someone out of your house (bed/hotel room) the next morning is Sofa King awkward. Stay at his house and viola! Problem solved. This brings me to my next point:

What’s more awk than kicking someone out of your bedroom? Being the person who is getting kicked out of the bedroom. Don’t overstay your welcome. In fact, I highly suggest leaving before sunrise and most definitely before he wakes up. It’s much better he wonders “Where’d she go?” than “When’s she gonna go?” Do you want risk being Coyote Ugly? Leave before broad daylight exposes your real face.

Here are important steps to escaping:

1. Don’t wake him up, or even say goodbye. Just leave...leave a lovely short note on his mirror/desk/whatever. Had fun, call me! Do not leave your number. If he really wants it he’ll find a way to get it, I promise. Do not sign your full name, a simple “XOXO” is mysterious and casual. And if he shows his friends, he can’t prove you wrote it.
2. Gather all your belongings. Always. Even if he’s your boyfriend. I looooove my best friend, but I don’t leave my toothbrush/clothes at her house. Why? Because I don’t live with her. Duh. Guys think when you leave stuff at their house it’s fair-game to do whatever they want with it. Also, they’re cocky and convince themselves, “Oh she did it on purpose just to see me again.” No, no, no. Take your shit or consider it lost airport luggage gone forever.
3. Never ask him for a ride home. After all the alcohol, Del Taco, and bodily fluids you swallowed last night, you probs need a walk anyway. If he lives far away, 1-800-4-My Taxi. Or get a girlfriend to pick you up. You’re independent, resourceful, and got better shit to do than wait for his dumbass to take you home. If your friend says, “I’ll be there in thirty,” just start walking. Get out as fast as you can.

When the guy wakes up in the morning and you’re gone, you now have the upperhand. He’s left all alone with his insecure thoughts, his mind will run wild. Have you ever had a butterfly land on your finger? You admire it, and then it flies away. Come back little butterfly, you were so pretty. Be That Butterfly. He will chase you (text you, facebook you, etc.). And if he doesn’t… he’s an asshole anyway.

However, shit happens and sometimes the guy wakes up first. Freshen up! Always keep mascara and lipgloss in your purse. You don’t need the entire Mac store to look presentable. You’re young, your skin still has elasticity. Guys only notice make-up when it’s running down your face like The Joker from Batman anyway.

Lastly, if you go to school/work with him or live in the same area code, chances are you will cross paths in the future. Always be sweet, even if he was a terrible mistake. Do not be weird.
Avoiding eye contact is weird. Staring at him from afar is weird. Adding him on facebook is weird. Act normal.
But not too normal. If you pretend that it was no big deal,  he’ll think you’re a whore. Just smile, be charming and cute like a butterfly, so he’ll want to chase you for more lovin’.