I’m baaaaack! Monogamy didn’t work out so well for me. I was monogamous… he wasn’t. But I got my blog to save the day! Can’t you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, blog. Yeah that’s the super blog.
I know I’m a little late on the “Shit Girls Say” trend, but I need to get my toes giblets wet before I start posting my weekly blog again. In high school, my Myspace background was this photo:
And it’s time I go back to my roots. To augment this article, check out my Heat of the Moment blogs (parts 1 & part 2) which zeroes in on the really dumb shit guys say when we’re naked behind closed doors.
Below is a list of things I’ve been told since my last blog in June.
No, Ella she just thinks I’m her boyfriend. Mind you, he said this at the Dirty D while she stood staring at us talking.
You’re a virgin? Let’s have sex! I’d bet it’d feel so good. I’m sure! But for whom? Because I don’t remember my girlfriends sitting wishing sex felt like their very first-time every time.
You’re not pretty or ugly, you got a unique face… like Lady Gaga.
I really like your fat ass.
Your stretch marks remind me of a tiger, raawr.
I normally only like skinny chicks, but I find you attractive.
I like it when a girl pays for dinner, it shows she’s independent.
I guess I’m just always attracted to psychos.
You’re not the kinda girl I would have dated in college, but I would now.
So here’s my number, call me maybe? Look gentlemen the only 7-digits of yours I want is your annual income $1,234,567, and how much of it you’re going to spend on me. Capiche?
I’m a grown as man! Aww baby, if you have to say so, it ain’t so.
I can tell you care more about me, than I care for you. Bitch please. You must have mental disease.
I tell you that ‘you look good’ in the morning when 90% other guys would think you look haggard. I’m going to make it my life’s mission that he never lives this one down ever. I’m not saying I’m perfect without make-up. (ok, maybe I am saying that). But I mean… look at my skin. Good Black don’t crack!
No make-up when I wake up, and hungover as shit
Hey you’re back! Brilliant. Sorry it didn’t work out. Throw rocks at him. And maybe a grenade?
Hahahaha
I gave it some thought. What is the dumbest thing I have ever said to pick up a girl that is as hot as you…
Nothing specific comes to mind. I am the best “Kris” I can be, whereas I wouldn’t care as much or even say as much to a lesser attractive woman.
I think my problem would be that I tend to ramble on. I ask questions like I am writing a book.
I don’t like saying much about myself. I told a friend that I wanted to remain an enigma…he said I remain something, but enigma wasn’t the word. lol
Are u an artist. I am apprenticing (is that a word) as a literary agent. Even if I only represented my body of work, I am confident about doing very well.
With your wit, charisma, and sex appeal, would make you a very good candidate to write a book. You have the face of a model, and I would wager you can act.
GIVE ME UNTIL APRIL WHEN I LAUNCH MY NETWORK OF UNDISCOVERED TALENT.
THE LAW OF ATTRACTION SAYS THAT LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.
I think it is at work here. I have the resources to take it as far as I want, and I have no limits on what I can accomplish.
If you feel this way, contact me personally. If not, watch, listen, or read the book “THE SECRET”
It reawakened my faith and changes lives.
Talk to me, I am looking for people I can help, and keeping my agenda in view, someone who will help me. I follow my instincts so I hope to hear more about you regarding this topic.
Smiles
J Kris H
Ironic I had a convo about the dumb things I hear… I swear we attract the WORST of the opposite sex
it’s not easy so be attractive right?!
This made me sad and laugh at the same time. How can be boys, yes boys, be so silly to think that these lines are things that we want to hear? I mean c’mon! Anyone with an ounce of common sense should be able to realize that these lines are in no way shape or form a complement. BTW you look gorgeous!
Hahhaa it’s supposed to be funny! funny in a “are you for effing real right now?” kinda way!
All smiles on my end <3
Haha. Go girl!
thanksss Emily
You’re most welcome!
Well, I missed you. He probably will too..the dumbass. Some guys don’t know what they’ve got til it’s gone.
I loved you the first time we met , when was that anyway ? We musta had a good time !
Thanks for visiting my blog !
Love this post…I am still laughing!
GREAT! i’m gladdd
haha.. had me laughing out loud at the line: “I really like your fat ass.” I could just picture your face.
I’ll probably use the tiger defense the next time a guy notices my stretch marks though.. for real.
Everlovesting.com
Glad to see you are back to blogging. Your blog is an “interesting” point of view that most people don’t often share. I think that could be called honesty. But, keep writing!
haha thanksss
hi
You look great Ella! And welcome back. You say good black don’t crack, but I’m here to tell you it sags ~sigh~
hahaha
Being in a relationship is sooooooo over rated anyway enjoy your freedom!!!
It’s been a day & I already am!!!!
Welcome back! Your rocks kinda look like sperm… Even better!
fan*&*&(#&(TASTIC
Again, just another reason I’m happy to married with the option of widowhood!
Wow, guys have seriously said that to you??? Ridiculous, men are so disgusting sometimes!! I’m sorry your ex-boyfriend didn’t stay monogamous, clearly something is wrong with him if he’s straying for a 17 year old…I think that right there says a lot. Anyways, glad to see you back in the blogging world!! =)
Welcome back…. And what a way to mark your return. Entertaining and insightful as always. Lol @ the Lady Gaga line.
hehe
Welcome back! We missed you.
(And your Heat of the Moment posts were hilarious.)
thankssss <3
Hahaha one that comes to mind it, “You and your friends aren’t hot, but you guys are cute.” Awwwww
so rude, and i’m so sorrry
that was simply brilliant:)
thank youuuuuuu nicole!
Black don’t crack!
damn straight
guys are so dumb! You look too cute in your pic. love the post, so funny.
thanks!
You just have to keep your eyes out for the guys who are only acting dumb…nothing to be alarmed over, most aren’t that gifted at acting either.
Thank you! What a sweet thing for you to say. I can honestly return that compliment-u r simply drop-dead georgeous and If I was not so hopelessly devoted to my wife, I would be very devoted to getting to know you better. It is no wonder you are so popular here.
You are goddess among mortals. Plus you have the wit and charm that I find so endearing. If it was another time, I think we would be very good friends and find ourselves enjoying one another’s company on a deeper level…
So,I will do the best I can to extend my friendship. When you are interested in a guy-run his vitals by me- and I will let you know if I think he is legit – ,Mr. Right kind, or if he’s just another Mr. Right-now. Ive studied in this area believe it or not.
It’s an open invitation to have a friendship with a real heterosexual man who has amassed quite a lot of insight on human behaviors.
Smiles!
Kris
Bout time xx
What have girls said to me?
Generally, it is another of what I am drinking and a finger wave and shy smile. Girls really are better and have a higher success rate than guys. 1st of all, if you have lady-parts, the sale is already almost closed.
I had one Asian girl who just walked bravely up to me, the table in the corner was her friends laughing. In fragmented English.
We talking about you. We think you pretty American. I replied “pretty, huh?” I said with humor in my tone.
She kept going like she had to get everything she had to say said the way it was rehearsed, I guess. She keeps going and her face has lost all expression.
We want you come sit with ___. She wants relations for you. Then she got too embarrassed and ran back over to her table. I found out which one ____ was, and just wasn’t drunk enough
Hang in there, Ella! Although I feel for ya, I’m sincerely glad that you’re back! We single gals gotta stick together.
Plus your bad dates are fodder for the masses.
XOXO,
DH
Hey Ella, sorry it didn’t work out. Well maybe not so sorry as he sounds like a twat (as we say in London.). Who would want to cheat on you? Idiot.
There are bigger and better out there waiting for you.
I love reading your blog and am looking for contributors for my new book Mr Wrong. I’m looking for stories/experiences with ‘Mr Wrong.’ The purpose of these collection of stories is to unite, empower and inspire women and give us a forum to share our stories. It’s time to stop blaming ourselves. Mr Wrong explores why some women seem to attract Mr Wrong in an insightful but witty way and looks at how to set out on a positive path to Mr Right.
I would love to hear your stories and experiences and anyone else’s on here. Please do check out my blog. You will see some excerpts from the book, views from both women and men and even vote for your favourite Mr Wrong sketch. You can post a story under my Share My Story section or email me at dingdongitsmrwrong@yahoo.co.uk If your story is chosen for the book you will be notified. NB all names will be changed if you require.
Take care and happy dating!
Daniella
I nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. Check it out! http://wp.me/p1FYfJ-fj
I love reading your blogs! You are too real + funny!
Haha I nominated you for “One Lovely Blog Award” too! Here’s the link: http://whetyourwoman.com/2012/12/23/three-blog-awards/ Wonderful stuff
Disturbingly funny. I like your sense of humor.
That’s quite true. Guys are stupid cos they always chase dumb girls who use their hormones in a relationship instead of a brain. LOL~
just put you in for he one lovely blog award.
lilly
I have been active on a different blog and forgot my login credentials…bummer. Anyway, I am back too… I can relate to relationship problems. My marriage is failing after so many years together.
I have a publisher for three manuscripts and have been working on nearly a dozen fiction projects. But I need a female POV. I am finding it extremely difficult to understand certain traits of the opposite gender.
I have had some girls, quite a bit younger than I, boldly come on to me. We just got back from Costa Rica and a pretty girl at the resort was drunk and started buying me drinks. My wife, was already back at the room.
Just about the time this girl and her friend joined me in a booth. Of course that is when my wife comes in and sees her taking a picture of me with her cell phone. She gave me a nasty look and stormed back to the room.
I got up to go after her when this girl, Julia, slapped me on the ass. My wife tried to slam the door but it opened both ways, so it just swang all the way open. I was about to leave and go after her when the waitress handed me another Long Island Iced tea (aka Bad decision in a glass)
This drunk girl was quite pretty and I would have been interested if not in a relationship. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me back and I fell on top of her. As I was trying to set back up my head was under her skirt. She had a black thong btw…
I apologized but she didn’t seem to need one. I tried to leave again and made it all the way to the elevator. That’s when I realized my wallet was still back at the bar.
So, I head back to the bar and she held up my wallet as I re-entered the bar. They were speaking in Spanish and did not know that I am fluent.
I heard them talking to each other about me. The pretty one boasted that I would end up in her room that night. I asked for her to return my wallet but she resisted. She asked me if I like what I saw when my head was under her skirt. I did…so i didnt answer. She tells her friend to watch this in Spanish.
Her hand slid up my bare thigh and under my shorts. When she got to my junk I stopped her and reaffirmed again that I am a married man.
She had left my wallet unattended so I snatched it and left. I went back to the room and learned Satan was there in the form of my wife.
Now, other than accept a few free drinks, I did nothing wrong. Granted, it looked bad, but I had no infidelity on my conscous. But that didn’t matter to her. She saw what she saw and concluded I was a cheater.
She has been overly insecure. I have two books about to be released followed up by a third by the end of this year. She knows that these books will do well and that I will have to go on a tour with my publicist (also a beautiful female) and she is always mad at me.
What do I do? It doesn’t seem to matter what I say. I am guilty of things she thinks I WILL do, I guess. I am known to flirt, but I have never even thought about crossing the line until now. I can’t take her any more. It is always something…especially when I have done nothing.
Any advice? My marriage is falling down around me, and I am, for the first time, maybe, actually innocent. Maybe it just isn’t going to work anymore.
I am so confused.
haha oh yes! i’ve been told some really stupid stuff!
Oh well …. sorry too hear that … guess you’ve got a couple more frogs to kiss :S Enjoy the life of the single though .. it’s awesome!
thankss <3