First Crushes

23 May

My very first crush was BJ from Barney. My first human crush was Michael in kindergarten. It may be super creepy to describe how sexy a 5-year-old was, but I’ll try anyway. He was tall, gorgeous, half Japanese, and the way he would bend over to take a drink from the water fountain was just heavenly. He grew up to be a water polo god with abs for days, so I don’t feel bad lusting over my memories of him.

Your first crush really impacts who you find yourself attracted to in the future. Paul, Casper, Danny, & Owen were all water polo players. Luke’s business partner was half Japanese & don’t get me started on how many “Michael” notches I have on my chastity belt.

My first crush in college was a senior named Chris. Chris could legally buy alcohol & always offered to smoke me out, Free weed!? I love college! He was a prominent member of my fave fraternity and threw the sickest parties on Sic & Schafe. On Halloween, Chris dressed as a pirate: big hat, a sword, a parrot on his shoulder, and a wooden leg. The wooden leg tripped me out, I walked around Chris in a circle, Where did your leg go? [Awkward silence]. Did you pin it up? How are you bending your knee like that? [More awkward silence]. Ella, I don’t have a leg, that’s the whole point. My mind. Kaboom. Blown. In the few weeks I’d known Chris, I had no idea he was wearing a prosthetic. The whole time.

Later he told the story of how it happened, “Well when I was 14, I went surfing in Hawaii with my family. The waves were calm. As I paddled out, a Big White shark opened its mouth, and then I blacked out” [Somber silence]…

“Ha ha just kidding! I was born without a leg.” He went on to talk about all the perks of having one leg: the handicap passes, free parking at the beach, sympathy from professors when you turn shit in late. I haven’t seen Chris since he graduated, but his story always stuck with me. I no longer looked at the handicapable with pity, but with complete envy. I want free parking at the beach too!

Last weekend I went up north to visit my girlfriends. In the purple haze of cheap weed and even cheaper vodka, I saw a young man with a prosthetic leg. My immediate thought was, “I am sooo going home with him tonight.” And I did.

But Greg, unlike Chris, was in an accident more recently and not as comfortable in his prosthesis. He didn’t appreciate it when I called him Peg-Leg-Greg. Oh does that offend you? Greg got even more upset when I hopped on his lap and bounced like a baby on Santa. His leg popped right off. Oops, my bad…

  • Have you ever been a pirate for Halloween?
  • If you were a rapper, your name would be Leggo.

[Angry silence]. Greg did not have the sense of humor Chris did, which made me look like a real insensitive bitch. But hey, if the prosthetic shoe fits, right?

I guess my point is… I’m not sure what my point is. I’m sure both Chris & Michael would both be proud of their everlasting effect on my dating life. Look at me now!

105 Responses to “First Crushes”

  1. boomiebol May 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm #

    :)

  2. Ria May 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    Leggo was EPIC!

  3. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins May 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    lol you’re awesome this was really epic :-)

  4. leschaef May 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    I didn’t think anyone could ever relate to my prosthetic experience… and then I found you :)
    Thank you for being my pros-mate.
    I don’t remember how I found your blog, but I’m really glad I did :)

    • Ella May 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

      Hahaha i am glad we can bond! and I am glad you found it too :)

  5. chiclittleblackdress May 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    Love your sense of humor!!! This was a great story!!!

  6. dreya07 May 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    I agree first crushes impacts who you attract in the future. TOTALLY TRUE. Good post.

  7. narcinthemaze May 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    An odd tangent on the subject, but I currently portray a one-legged man in a theater piece. (This is not a ploy. It’s true, in fact.) I haven’t noticed immediate attraction on the part of the public. I do notice fear, however, which seems to play its own role in attraction. Anyway, this is a great post. Thank you again for your wit.

    • Ella May 23, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

      hahahaha I think I’m one of a kind with my attraction to prosthetics

      • narcinthemaze May 23, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

        Vulnerability, I suppose. It’s a common wisdom among performers…that vulnerability is power. It’s a way to get emotional access. There’s some truth to it. Nothing about the artistic import of a leg popping off, though…ha ha.

      • Ella May 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

        It was very awkward, and I only know how to handle uncomfortable situations with humor. even if it’s crude humor. unwarrented humor haha

      • narcinthemaze May 24, 2012 at 6:27 am #

        Your reaction is only natural. And it makes for a very funny story. It’s gutsy of you to share it. Anyway, I always enjoy your work. Thanks again.

  8. torinn2 May 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    So one legged guys who know how to swim and have a sense of humor and wash board abs. What are some other preferences.

    • Ella May 23, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

      that’s pretty much it. i haven’t many standards. i just expect to be worshiped and respected.

  9. editrixabby May 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    Ack. You are a genius. A savant, even. Clearly you don’t need to hear that people don’t deserve you!

    • Ella May 23, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

      haha I cannot tell if you are being sarcastic or serious, but I LOVE it either way.

  10. lizajack25 May 24, 2012 at 4:17 am #

    I like that word handicapable. Never heard it before.

    • Ella May 24, 2012 at 10:51 am #

      ya, it’s more politically correct- it implies that just because someone is different, they are still “able.”

  11. athousanddates May 24, 2012 at 4:25 am #

    I can’t believe his leg popped off – poor bloke, but oh so funny!

    PS Daves and Jameses are over represented on my chastity belt.

    • Ella May 24, 2012 at 10:49 am #

      hahah I have a couple Dave & James too, but Michaels really take my cake. Ya i wish it hadn’t popped off but it did.

  12. J. A. Robinson May 24, 2012 at 4:45 am #

    THANKS

    –John R.: http://TheDailyGraff.com

  13. kingmidget May 24, 2012 at 6:40 am #

    Love your description of Michael. It’s odd how those things stay with us all these years later.

  14. Jim Maher May 24, 2012 at 6:59 am #

    BJ from Barney, as in Barney the purple dinosaur?

    • Ella May 24, 2012 at 10:45 am #

      haha ya you can click the “bj from barney” text and a pic will pop up

      • Jim Maher May 24, 2012 at 11:37 am #

        That’s hilarious. Barney was a bit after my time, but there was a girl on Sesame Street I was madly in love with back then. It may seem weird now, but when I was five, she was going to be my wife.

  15. Nena May 24, 2012 at 8:58 am #

    Good Reading. Lol

    • Nena May 24, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      I had to think about it. My first crush was Omar. I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade. I was a cheerleader and he was the quarterback for the same pop warner football team. He was Black and Japanese with dark skin and thick curly hair, so cute. Wow, that was so long ago.

  16. kirkholland May 24, 2012 at 9:42 am #

    I think you are fantastic.

    • Ella May 24, 2012 at 10:43 am #

      hahah thank you

  17. Cardinal Guzman May 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm #

    Ella: you should add a link to your blog from you gravatar profile. Makes it easier to find!

    • Ella May 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

      awesome, thanks for the heads up will do!!

  18. Andrew Gomes May 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    Hi :) That’s what I call a great blog :) thanks, keep up with the good writing :)

  19. elizabethreins May 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

    This is a very interesting topic you have explored here Ella. The post my be lighthearted but there is much food for thought in it.

  20. Carolina Courtland May 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    My first crush was a kid named Tony in kindergarten. We would eat that white paste stuff together.

  21. Alarna Rose Gray May 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    Hey Ella! Been practically stalking your site for your next blog since you brought me here last time! Your sense of humour rocks!

  22. marsha4852 May 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    I agree about the gravatar comment. It took me a while to find you after you liked my post recently because you didn’t have your gravatar links set up. I wrote a post about it in another blog of mine: http://muchadoaboutmanythings.wordpress.com.

    I had to figure it out for myself as I didn’t have any of my links there either until I figured it out. Rather than me figuring out the timeline of all your blogs, how long have you been blogging? You have loads of followers, impressive.

    Hope you don’t meet my husband, His name is Michael and he’s had a prosthetic for about four years. He takes it off and shows young children how it works periodically.

    • Ella May 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

      Hahahah that is awesome and thanks for that, I’ll make sure I set it up better :)

  23. ameliasattic May 25, 2012 at 7:13 am #

    PFFFFT you’re hysterical! Thanks for brightening up my day xx

  24. stephanie andrea May 26, 2012 at 1:31 am #

    Hahahaaa. Complete brilliance. xo

  25. evilsanta98 May 26, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    Now this is fucked up!

  26. The Blond Pond May 28, 2012 at 12:50 am #

    My first crush was Robin Hood in the Disney film.
    Then it came the red head kid at school with freckles.
    15something years later you see me fainting on Regent Street because there’s a new huge Burberry advertising. OK, I didn’t really faint for that.
    But my *great love* is a darkish blond Jewish guy who in common with said redhead has only that he was born in London. Now that I think about it, he has some reddish sparkles in certain lights…
    Foxes are ginger…yes, the first crush determines all the others.

    • Ella May 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

      hahah I am so glad you can relate! I LOVE redheads, like so much

      • The Blond Pond May 29, 2012 at 12:17 am #

        I think I am that one who has a thing for Mr Bingley no matter who plays Darcy, not even when it was Colin Firth (and I am a die hard Colin Firth’s fan).
        After the BBC one and the one with Keira, seeing a too blond one in Lost in Austen broke my heart hahah
        I never met enough redhead in real life…

  27. howtoonlinedate May 28, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

    “If you were a rapper, your name would be Leggo.”…hahaha…genius!!

  28. A Drop of Jewel May 28, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

    This gave me such a good laugh…

    • Ella May 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

      ahh I’m glad <3

  29. Sharp May 29, 2012 at 3:05 am #

    sounds like you had tons of fun :P

  30. Karla Whitmore May 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    My first crush was on a boy named Brett. We were in Kindergarten and I got to ride the bus with him every day :). One day, we were being silly and he snapped my nose. What he didn’t know was that I had nosebleeds very easily… blood started pouring out and he used his shirt to stop it, apologizing the entire time. When the bus got to the school, the bus driver came back and offered to escort him to the office. Why him? Because he was the one with blood all over his shirt and tears rolling down his face. He was not worried about being in trouble. He was worried that I was going to bleed to death. My heart was filled with love. I knew then that compassion was at the top of my list for what is important in a man… er… boy.

    • Ella May 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

      i absolutely LOVED that story! so cute

  31. evilsanta98 May 29, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    Your blog is! :lol:

  32. aspiringcatlady May 29, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

    I loved this! You have a great sense of humor. I nominated you for The Sunshine Award here: http://reheatedcoffee.wordpress.com/awards/

    • Ella May 30, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      awesome thank youu

  33. halfbeagle May 29, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Totally dated a one legged professor. Miss the parking, don’t miss her.

    • Ella May 30, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      Bahaha that is great

  34. surfsidecarolina May 30, 2012 at 6:15 am #

    You had me seriously laughing with this amazing post!! I love picking up quirky dating preferences from the guys I meet along the way.

  35. clemarchives May 30, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    You should’ve asked if he had ever considered getting a wheel in place of a foot.

  36. talesofscarlett May 30, 2012 at 11:48 am #

    first crushes **sigh**
    isn’t it funny how you can narrow your down your type even before age 5?
    I guess the heart always knows what it wants.

  37. simonreadbooks May 30, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

    Great post! Several years back, I dated for a very brief period of time a woman with one arm. She ended up dumping me when her ex-boyfriend came back into the picture. She was hot. As for first crushes . . . it was an insanely busty girl in junior high named Sandy.

  38. Ruth Rutherford May 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    “My mind. Kaboom. Blown.” HA! That is insane.

    Funny post. Love it.

    • Ella June 5, 2012 at 11:01 am #

      thank you Ruth!!!

  39. audrina1759 May 31, 2012 at 1:43 am #

    this post took me down memory lane. greayt job!

    • Ella June 5, 2012 at 10:59 am #

      thanksssss <3

  40. ennaeilsel27 June 4, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

    My first crush is now gay…I don’t know what that says about my love life, but it most definitely predicts my unfortunate luck with men hahahaha. =)

    • Ella June 5, 2012 at 10:54 am #

      I am lucky in every aspect of life; I always get great parking spots, I have amazing friends & Family. I am lucky in just about every aspect except love. So I feel you!

      • ennaeilsel27 June 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

        Maybe it’s a curse…we’re lucky in everything else so our love lives suffer because of that. Sad…=(

  41. Nice Girl June 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

    My first crush was Neil Patrick Harris when he was playing Doogie Howser. I’ve always had a thing for the super smart nerdy guys.

  42. Sam June 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    .great blog. :)

  43. ayoliag June 7, 2012 at 12:19 am #

    lol I’m inclined to agree with you there! I do have a twisted trend that began with my first crush! Quite enjoyed reading this post as well as the others!

  44. thenewviewnl June 7, 2012 at 2:41 am #

    Wauw love the way you write it :D Great blog! Keep up the good work! Following you to read more of your great writings ^^

    • Ella June 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

      schweeet thank you!

  45. theuniversalsmile June 7, 2012 at 9:00 am #

    I agree that first crushes can have such a huge impact on your dating life.
    He probably wasn’t my FIRST childhood crush, but I remember when I was young I had an enormous love for Gambit from X-Men. I am now complete putty for any guy who has a sexy foreign accent.

    I like that your writing is very conversational. Your humour is so natural, and makes the reading easy and enjoyable. You have a clear and personal voice in your writing that is evident throughout all of your blog posts.

    Again, this was another great and entertaining read!

  46. MP June 7, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    O.M.G.. Yeah.. I’m sure you looked like an insensitive bitch.. LOL.. but he was getting laid right? Too funny. My first real crush was a FOX.. (it was the 80’s.. don’t judge).. and now, he’s kinda funny looking.. knocked up his HS girlfriend and is still married to her w/ a minivan full of kids. I was always bummed that I never even got to kiss him… ahhh.. the mystery continues.

  47. Inlone June 10, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    I’ve always had a thing for Erin E-surance.

    And Xuxa, too!

    • Ella June 12, 2012 at 10:32 am #

      i love that pink-haired cartoon. my cartoon crushes were Johnny Bravo and Honda’s Mr. Opportunity

  48. bossymoksie June 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten this before, and if not, you should have! I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. It’s yours! And welcome to the winners circle. Check it out.

    http://bossymoksie.wordpress.com/2012/06/11/all-i-do-is-win-win-win/

    • Ella June 12, 2012 at 10:31 am #

      still very nice of you!!!

  49. Md. Alsanda June 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

    Hey! I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Award.
    It’s yours! And welcome to the winners circle. Check it out.

    http://alsanda.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/sunshine-blogger-award/

  50. Jixi Fox June 12, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

    your writing style is niceeeeee. :)

  51. JT Styles June 13, 2012 at 6:27 am #

    Kelly Kapowski when I was in Kindergarten.

    Mariah Carey later on.

    • Ella June 14, 2012 at 11:27 am #

      hahhaa they were both my idols! so i think we great taste in women

  52. Firepower June 13, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    YOU
    have more
    blog likes than
    anygiri I’ve known

  53. momsomniac June 13, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    My first crush – the first I can recall anyway- was Anwar Sadat. Sad, but true.

    Yours actually makes more sense. Thanks for sharing! And oh – my sister is a Michael girl too. : ) I could never handle a repeating name thing.

    Maybe that’s why I married my Mister Coffee. He has a first name I had never heard before.

    • Ella June 14, 2012 at 11:25 am #

      Hahahaa Mister Coffee!! so true. ya I have 13 “Michael” notches on my belt. no bueno.

      • momsomniac June 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

        names have been changed to protect the, uh, innocent

        I’m enjoying your blog.

  54. Edmond Dantes June 14, 2012 at 7:06 am #

    That was really funny! My first ever TV crush was Aprilia from “Saber Riders”. That’s why I have a thing for confident tall blue eyed blondes! Probably that’s why I have a thing for whips too (you’ll know what I mean once you hear the intro)

    PS. Shouldn’t it be handicapped and not handicapable?

    • Ella June 14, 2012 at 11:24 am #

      Handicapped implies that they cannot function and is no longer politically correct. Handicapable emphasizes they have a disability, but still are ‘able’

      • Edmond Dantes June 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

        I’m sorry, isn’t that just an inferiority complex? Like Joe in Family Guy? Why don’t just use disabled or partially disabled or any more fitting and less ridiculous word? The word handicapped derives from an old english game and not from having a cap/limit on ones handiness for a word like handicappable or handicap-able to make sense. As you say in your post, and quite rightly so people should have a more realistic and light hearted approach to their disability instead of forever remaining bitter about it thus opening themselves up to assholes who are using those words in a derogatory sense. If you on your own can joke about it then other people won’t be able to get from you the reaction they are after.

      • Ella June 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm #

        I didn’t invent the word, that’s just what I learned in my university

      • Edmond Dantes June 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

        And in further support of my thesis here’s an interesting read about this perfectly acceptable term http://www.uhh.hawaii.edu/~ronald/HandicapDefinition.htm

  55. acebass100 June 14, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    love it!

  56. scribbleoc June 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    hahahah yes. leggooooo

    • Ella June 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm #

      I feel like that joke went waaaay over everyone’s head. glad you caught it

  57. howtoonlinedate June 15, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    think you’re super talented plus you make me giggle, so i tagged you. find out how to keep it going here: http://howtoonlinedate.wordpress.com/

  58. musingjoc June 17, 2012 at 3:53 am #

    Ha ha very funny. One of my best friends tells me that the first “hard on” he ever got was when watching Disney’s Snow White in the cinema. He was five.

    • Ella June 19, 2012 at 10:28 am #

      bahahaahahhaahah oh my

  59. bijoujlh June 19, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

    Oh my gosh. So inappropriate yet I can’t stop laughing! LOL! Hitting subscribe in between snorts :D

    • Ella June 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

      yay so happy to hear that!

  60. Sword-chinned bitch June 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm #

    Almost choked on my asparagus reading this one — thanks!

    • Ella June 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

      hahahh sorry & thanks! :)

  61. Miss TrendStar June 26, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

    BWAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! *dead* The best EVER!! I am literally on my floor rolling! Leggo is CLASSIC! You are truly hilarious and a GREAT writer. I am following! :)

    • Ella July 19, 2012 at 9:50 am #

      Thankkkk you so much! I’m glad you liked it

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