Parker C.

1 May

When I was a kid, there was a popular anti-smoking campaign with Debi Austin. I found the ads very disturbing…

But  obviously not disturbing enough, because I was a smoker for nine glorious years. I now get a sense of pride, when I see that the anti-smoking ads have re-surfaced, because I quit for the 12th (and final time). Please spare me the round of applause or pat on the back. I am a firm believer that quitters never win and winners never quit. Now that I stopped smoking I have to endure those golden years of life when you shit in your diaper & forget your name.  Ya, ya smoking causes lung cancer, bad breath, wrinkley skin, etc. Pish-posh. Smoking has a major pro: rise in social capital.

Those freaky hole-in-throat ads fail to mention how much easier it is to make friends over a cigarette. Hey, got a light? I don’t see what the big deal is about secondhand smoke, we don’t complain about their carbon-dioxide emissions.

This is precisely how Parker and I met. On a cold, windy evening outside my university’s library I desperately tried to flick my bic, but shit wouldn’t ignite.  Cue my knight in shining armor. Parker sparked my cancerstick and it was love at first light.

We did the whole what’s-your-major-where-are-you-from small talk. I couldn’t tell what year he was, but it was abundantly clear that he was one of those people who took a looong summer break after graduating high school.  He wasn’t old (he was wearing a baseball cap); but he wasn’t young either (I think he had a receding hairline). Whatever. I’m not picky. He was smart, funny, blah blah blah. I, of course, went on a lovely little date with him. A concert. It was cute, who cares?

Date #2 was sushi, my fav cuisine. Unfortunately the sushi was  super gross. Like warm enough to crawl off the table before my chopsticks could pick it up. Then Parker laid it on me, Ella, I have a confession... Oh great. This should be good. What’s this guy got? A kid? A contagious disease? A warrant for his arrest? I’ve seen it all, not much can surprise me anymore. I’m not a student at your university. Okay, kinda creepy considering we discussed majors and the President D’s lack of humility, but that’s not too bad.

I’m not a student… I’m a professor. Uhhh. Well that’s interesting weird deceptive- eff I dunno, I was speechless. Sure I had a thing with Mr. Yang in high school, but this was different. Mr. Yang was hot and totally off-limits. Parker was mediocre and I was no longer under 18. Where’s the fun in that? I lost interest immediately. That is, until he said I’m not sure if this is appropriate.

Dangle forbidden fruit & I am bound to take a bite. Well, Parker, I can keep a secret if you can. But the thrill, the rush of sneaking around was short-lived. Parker started memorizing my school schedule & would conveniently pop outside of my classrooms smoking a cigarette. At first it was a cute coincidence, but it became unattractive pretty quickly. As I said before, the difference between creepy & cute is how mutual the attraction is. And taboo or not, I was not digging Professor Parker.

I once had a fling with a hot, foreign language professor. Yum. That was more adventurous, because when he spoke I hadn’t any idea what he was saying. Oh Massimo, you’re just a midnight snack, shhhhhh don’t talk back.

Not quite sure what the lesson here is, but I’ll try to pull one out of my repertoire ass:

  • Lies are a natural part of the whole dating process. Maintaining the mystery can be a good thing.
  • So don’t feel the need to let out your secrets over a spicy tuna roll.
  • If you are going to date a prof make sure he can boost your GPA. Parker taught classes that had nothing to do with my major. Lame.
  • Oh and if you find yourself dating a smoker & want to break things off, “I can’t be around smoke” works wonderfully.

78 Responses to “Parker C.”

  1. chancedagger May 1, 2012 at 6:46 am #

    Lay for an A. But I found that if you just acted as though you were actually paying attention to your prof, they were so flattered that you increased your chances for a good grade without having to do much more than that.

  2. Katherine O. Cooper May 1, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

    yeah…I’ve got mixed feelings about those ads to…as a life long non smoker and daughter of lots of tobacco death n mayhem…I guess gross just scares me, so I close my eyes anyhoo.

    odd on the prof thing…and shivers of eww remembering some of the creeps my dad worked with as a prof…eww…

  3. Carolina Courtland May 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

    I had an unattractive zoology prof tell me that if I slept with him he would give me an A… but I had to “do it more than once.”

    Ugh. I declined.

    I also didn’t get an A.

  4. Sara Katherine May 1, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    I love the way you write:) I seriously laughed out loud at a few points. Can’t wait to read more! And agreed, I think the showing up around my classes would move to creepy really fast.

  5. lillythehtcat May 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

    whoa..im like reading this and feeling this need to confess..you know ella im not really…and then i remembered my old rule..if you feel the need to confess..find a priest..you know those little booths with the priest inside..albeit..more forbidden fruit..hmmm..may not work for you..but as for me..no ella wall of shame. loved it..id like to be a massimo..cool..
    lilly

  6. You write so well. I like your attitude.

    • Ella May 2, 2012 at 10:46 am #

      Thanks!

      • ♥ Welcome

      • narcinthemaze May 10, 2012 at 8:58 am #

        You are astute and hilarious. I agree with you, smoking is living… You can take your life in your hands and parachute from an airplane, or you can take your rush in small increments of guaranteed damage. I’ll take the guaranteed damage every time. Still miss it. As for the professor… Any man who does not admit to a little Humbert Humbert, well, he is lying.

  7. Toronto to New York City May 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    OMG…. smoker ova here. I have limited myself to only smoking on weekends. It’s not really working but I do hope one day I’ll be strong enough to quit for good. I would probably have to change my friends, change my name. Who says peer pressure goes away after high school? It doesn’t. Also “increase in social capital” hahaha! Unfortunately very true. That’s how I’ve met most of my men and a lot of my friends. Maybe I should switch to those fake, herbal cigarettes. Social capital sans cancer. That would be genius (lame).

    • Ella May 2, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

      umm no i think that is genius! except they dont taste as goood. I am not of fan of those tobacco-less American Spirits. too harsh

  8. howyoumadethemfeel May 4, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    hahaha that’s funny. I thought the story was going to turn into… and then he abducted me and raped me (gasp) or something equally terrible. I was happy to find a light, funny ending.
    P.S. my boyfriend was a smoker when we met. I was NOT interested and so I lied and told him I hated the spell of the smoke and wouldn’t be around it. He (somehow) managed to charm me into falling in love (after quiting smoking) however he continues to think I absolutely hate the smell of smoke… and it’s not like I can tell him the truth now!! I had to hide my laughter when he told my roommate’s friend to be careful about smoking in our living room because I hate the smell and could possibly smell it in my room :-)

  9. The Writer May 4, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

    love the lessons learned!

  10. poetart May 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

    Hehe.. great read. Can relate to the smoking. I like smoking a lot (as in I love it), but one of us had to go. It was me or the cigs and I stayed (so far). I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. :)

  11. ACG May 7, 2012 at 4:02 am #

    I blame you for keeping me awake because like always, when I come across your blog, I read one post and I am much too inclined to read more. As if you dated a prof and didn’t even know it hahaha. HILARIOUS. After reading this, I instantly feel boring in comparison.

    • Ella May 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

      I am both sorry and flattered! I’m sure you’re not boring- I just attract complete weirdos.

  12. Jo May 8, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    Bahaha Ella…. AGREE on the “benefits of smoking”and the fine line between creepy and cute. Can’t wait to dig more into your posts. It seems as if we could be kindred spirits in the dating department (read: loveable adventurous trainwrecks).

    • Ella May 8, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

      is your dating life a trainwreck like mine? haha if so, we’re kindred spirits!

  13. iamboylan May 8, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    Haha…This is really funny!

  14. Packo May 9, 2012 at 5:03 am #

    We all do need to quit somehow. Thanks for following.

  15. The Maria Antoinette May 9, 2012 at 5:18 am #

    Good read…I like the way you moved from point to point in your writing..very easy to follow like a easy conversation! Keep’em coming!

  16. Real-Life Housewife May 9, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    “Love at first light…” CLEVER! :)

  17. indieblack May 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

    I can’t stand smokers, but my man is a smoker!! If I am walking down the street, and a smoker is in the vicinity, I think to myself “Damn, smoker!” Don’t get me wrong, I harass my man about cigarette smoking, but he is just so lovely…ugh! One night we were watching old episodes of The Wire on Hulu, and that new anti-smoking commercial came on…you know the one with the lady that can’t do anything because she had a stroke from smoking!! She has her nephew giving her a bath…IN BED!! It made him really uncomfortable, but not enough to stop smoking, dammit!

    The prof story–hot and funny, HA! When you get older, your own story is gonna gross you out, ha!

  18. flowers4zombies May 10, 2012 at 1:01 am #

    Ha ha like the way you write! I’m still jealous of the easy excuse smokers get to say hello to each other. On the other hand, being a non-smoker gave me lots of practice with hilarious killer introductory one-liners like “Ey love! How’s about a KISS?”

  19. Ms. Anthropic May 10, 2012 at 11:16 pm #

    Holy crap, I love your blog. Especially the notion of “Discarded Men”. You’re amazing… Don’t ever change lol!

    • Ella May 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

      thank you!!!!!

  20. Alarna Rose Gray May 11, 2012 at 12:06 am #

    What a great read! Love your humour, and yeah, as a one time sort-of smoker, I have to agree that the appeal is more social. Thanks for the laugh (and stopping by my blog). You’ve totally cheered my day :)

  21. thebeach2013 May 11, 2012 at 7:08 am #

    Loved this post! I wrote a blog about Forbidden Fruit too…. thanks for stopping by my literary slice of the world!

  22. C. Michelle Smith May 11, 2012 at 7:19 am #

    I have to say you crack me up. Great vibe.

  23. freedomheru May 12, 2012 at 9:42 am #

    i likes ;-)
    truly enjoyed reading this.

    bD

  24. Yatin May 13, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    Haha!
    Well higher cost in NY was one of the factor forcing me to quit. I do the benefit now monetarily as well as health-wise. :)

  25. SidevieW May 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    Some dating relationships do only work when they are fantasy on both sides, just never let them get serious

  26. headbrass May 14, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

    I wrote a post a little but ago about how these ads just make me want to smoke again. They are wildly counter productive. The only people smoking I see on TV are in the don’t smoke ads.

    And the fantasy is always sexy and fun for a while.

    • Ella May 14, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

      hahahaha they just make you want to smoke again?! that is seriously hilarious.

  27. Mrs. D May 14, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

    You have a hilariously awesome blog. I may not be playing the dating game anymore, but I am relishing your entries!

    • Ella May 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

      with a name like chronicles of baby making, I am very flattered!

  28. hipdecision May 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    I read this post, got carried away reading your others, then just flew back to the top because I was compelled to comment *somewhere*.

    Love your blog. I’ll definitely be back.

    ~ Chris

    • Ella May 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

      Thank you so much Chris!!!!!!

  29. ourlovetrail May 14, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

    You are hilarious! Love your writing style xx

    • Ella May 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

      thank youuuuu

  30. Acep Aprilyana May 14, 2012 at 9:34 pm #

    Hi.. Permit To Visit…

  31. celticadlx May 15, 2012 at 2:27 am #

    You are too funny! This is fun, and what a way to put two “yucky” things together, creepy men and smoking. I tried smoking once and realized it was wasted money. I preferred to spend my hard earned cash on food!

  32. deangump May 15, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    I just want to let you know. EVERY TIME I read your blog I just get a kick out of it and half the time I think your making stories up, but then I realize the things you talk about are too incredible for you to make up. I mean this in the nicest way possible but I love reading your weird posts.

    • Ella May 15, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

      I promise the only thing I makeup are the names of the Guys. To be honest, there are worse details I leave out…. Like gorey details

  33. Patricia May 15, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

    A grand, wonderful post!

  34. repurposedKATE May 16, 2012 at 5:34 am #

    I stopped by to see what’s going on in your blog-world. I’m glad I did; you’ve got a great thing going here. I’ll be following along for future life-lessons (and maybe some gorey details?).

    • Ella May 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

      ;) I try to spare the gorey details hehe

  35. prettyenemy May 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    Congrats on not smoking anymore. Maybe creepy professors with Bics are more effective than the nicotine patch.
    I dedicate this Pall Mall to you, sister.

    • Ella May 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

      Hahah. I am a 27 girl myself.

  36. Cayman Thorn May 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    El. I’m feeding off this post a yours, just so yanno. Its been a harsh nine days off the nicotine habit for me. Going strong. Enough.

  37. trail-hike-life May 17, 2012 at 6:05 am #

    Ella, please write another post so we can stop looking at Debi’s hole! PS What happened to the last two Tuesdays?

    • Ella May 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

      Hahaha… Debi’s Hole! I’, sorrry, I am trying to just post one a month instead of one a week. I don’t want to overkill. I’ll work on right right away ;)

  38. Luann Robinson Hull May 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    I’m glad you quit – regardless of how! And you and your wonderful blogging skills will increase your social cred… not to worry! :)

  39. harrisanddarwish May 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

    You’re a talented blogger! Be sure to check out harrisanddarwish.wordpress.com BTW my prof is me(Harris Ansari) with Jessica Alba.

    • Ella May 21, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

      thanks & ok!!

  40. SundaysWithShivstopher May 22, 2012 at 6:29 am #

    Love it. Love your writing.

    • Ella May 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

      thank you so much!

  41. rawrockbander May 22, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    I can’t imagine my childhood without seeing this mystical creature speaking into a squawkbox against her throat saying, “Hi. I’m Barbara.” It scared the crap out of me, yet it intrigued me. Soemthing must have worked, though… 25 years smoke-free!

    • Ella May 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

      love to hear that!!!! :)

  42. MP May 22, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

    I want to quit smoking again.. :( but I’m not ready.. it’s too comfortable.. it’s a community.. smokers bond together more than non smokers.. I need peoples.. I’ll quit .. I know.. the guy I’m going out with Friday doesn’t smoke.. I’m going to bring nicotine lozenges with me.. hopefully this guy will be that nudge i need..

    • Ella May 23, 2012 at 10:58 am #

      Good luck!!!!!! let me know how it goes :)

  43. leahgraceobrien May 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    Great piece! You have a wonderful sense of humor. I smoked for a long time and I am so glad I quit!

  44. joyannaadams May 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    One Spanish guy, while exploring Florida in the 15oo’s, noticed that the Seminoles smoked so that they could go on long hunting trips without getting hungary. It’s also one of the reasons why the “great genartion” in WWII was all so thin, they gave out free cigarrettes to the soldiers,…saved on food rations. My mother smashed her cigarrette every morning in her friend eggs and said to me, “Don’t ever smoke.” It was so gross looking, I didn’t.

    You had great sense to dodge that professor. I once went BACK to my old college and hooked up with an old professor…for five whole years. He was married. It was a colossal waste of time. I was hoping to gather “knowledge” on our lunch dates, he was only interested in other things.

    Keep up the good writing!

    • Ella May 28, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

      Bahahahahaha I seriously loved that story!! that is insane. and I really like the history on cigs, niiice. Thank you

  45. ENIGMA June 3, 2012 at 7:10 am #

    Lies are a natural part of the whole dating process. Maintaining the mystery can be a good thing.

    Main reason nice guys are just nice guys.

  46. kenyatta2009 June 15, 2012 at 8:34 am #

    pretty creepy, prof with a puff.

    • Ella June 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm #

      haha right?

  47. Mr.B June 16, 2012 at 8:47 am #

    Hilarious post, you’ve got a cool writing style and your adventures with Ali and Prof. Creeper had me laughing over my breakfast. Looking forward to reading more, it’s always interesting to see a woman’s perspective on those train-wreck dates.
    -Ciao

    • Ella June 16, 2012 at 9:17 am #

      thank you!

  48. Lea June 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

    LOL. You’re a very good writer Ella. Thanks for making me laugh…

  49. viralsalome16 August 8, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    Wow! LOL. Fabulous blog! Very funny!!!!!! Thanks for visiting my humble affair. Keep up the amazing work!!!

    • Ella August 10, 2012 at 7:37 am #

      haha thanks!

      • viralsalome16 August 10, 2012 at 10:11 am #

        Yep!!

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