Happy Birthday, Baby!

“Birthdays lead to sex, and sex leads to birthdays”- Ella, 2009

I often spend my Wednesday mornings on my porcelain Kohler toilet expelling the 2 for 1 margaritas and $5 taco buffet from the previous Tuesday night. After a few gargles of mouthwash, I move onto the most important task of the day: checking the birthdays of the upcoming weekend. Social media has made the art of seduction much easier for the femme fetales of today.

A quick tickle of my keyboard and (ding!) I got a list of all the birthday boys just waiting for my lovin’. [I’ve used this tactic with Zack, Luke, Freddy, and many, many more].

You see, when a girl’s birthday encroaches she’s already got a week planned of group dinners, bar crawls, a Vegas trip, plastic shot glass necklaces & tiaras. Sometimes the Queen Bee Bitch gets the group to wear matching outfits.  

But the poor souls of the penis persuasion don’t get showered with the same gifts, attention, free drinks from the local bar creeper. This is where you come in (ding!).

Aww [insert name here] your birthday’s coming up! What epic plans do you have?

-Not sure, I’m gonna keep it low key.

But you’re the birthday boy! Who’s gonna spoil you?!

-I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.

It’s your day of birth! I’m coming over with a bottle of wine and cake.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Birthdays are the optimum time to prey on the vulnerability of a guy who secretly wants to be showered- but can’t ask his bros to do the deed. Pretty much anything goes, Let’s get drunk… because it’s your birthday. Or I wore my special panties… because it’s your birthday!  And obvi, make use of Jeremih‘s claim to fame.

Look, when guys are blowing out their candles, they’re wishing for one thing. And it’s something (most of) his frat bros won’t give him. Remember: it’s not slutty, it’s selfless. So go forth my little birthday fairies. Just a wave of his stick, and finish the trick, bippity boppity boo!