Choosing A Fraternity Formal Date

21 Mar

[Foreword: This blog is for all the little undergrad girls who want to say this shit, but can't.]

Ok so it’s Spring again, a frat boy’s fav time of the year. Why? Well because girls start dueling til the death sluttin’ it up hoping to get invited to fraternity formals. To be 100% honest, in college I was too afraid of being one of those girls. I would just say to my guy friends, Take who you think will be the most fun. Even though the obvious answer was me (duh), some guys didn’t get the hint.

My good friend Nina eloquently said, I’d rather be a nun at home, than a slut in Vegas. Well put, Nina, well put. But I don’t wanna be a slut or nun. I just want to be in Vegas.

Downside to being a graduate: I no longer get to soberly greet the fraternity’s fresh meat in class or the library.

Upside: I can now be completely shameless in my attempts to get invited to their formals.

I am The Ultimate Dream Date:

  • Buy one, get one free. If you’re man enough, you can tag-team me with my hot friend Macy. The 3 of us could spoon, have pillow fights, the works.
  • Any other date you’re considering is uglier than I am. And if not, then she’s prob a stuck-up bitch who’s gonna ditch you. Every year I see it happen. But I have subzero self-esteem, so you can be a crappy/unattractive date and I’ll still keep a smile on my face. This brings me to my third point:
  • You can be a crappy date, and I’ll still keep a smile on my face. I won’t even trash-talk you to all the bulimics & cokeheads who spend the entire formal in the girls’ bathroom.
  • I don’t do drugs, but it’s cool with me if you do. If you get a nose bleed, you can wipe it on my sleeve; I’ll be wearing a black dress anyway.
  • I always wear black. It’s my signature color, plus it covers up my inevitable sweat stains from dancing.
  • When I drink, I open tabs. Win-win for everyone.
  • I won’t hook-up with someone else. So I may (probably) have hooked up with half your pledge class. That’s in the past, this weekend I only have eyes for you. Next weekend, however, no guarantees.
  • I graduated, so no awkward post-formal, post-hookup run-ins during finals week. You can see me as little/often as you want.
  • Lastly, my reputation speaks for itself. But don’t take my word for it, go find one of my past dates. They’ll tell you what’s good.

Every year I hear, My date was terrible. I should have taken you, Ella. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Cry me a river. Alls I can say is: this year, you’ve been warned.

Oh and if I’m already taken, I’ll send you a list of suitable alternatives. Ciao!

29 Responses to “Choosing A Fraternity Formal Date”

  1. deangump March 21, 2012 at 3:26 am #

    Haha great post! I’m in a sorority so I have that problem with finding a date for my formal.

    • Ella March 21, 2012 at 10:32 am #

      finding the right date for a sorority formal is so hard!!! I was always too scared to ask my crush

  2. Nae's Nest March 21, 2012 at 8:41 am #

    Very well put. I agree, sluttin’ or nunnin’—–what a long distance, what’s missing in the middle?

    • Erin Elizabeth April 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

      OH shit – good point! How about a slutty nun? No that ain’t right, how about… a Nunny slut? Damn, that IS a bit of a pickle. :) LMAO

      • Ella April 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

        hahaha!

  3. aneroidocean March 21, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    You don’t want to be a slut but you hooked up with half their pledge class.

    Wait, what?

    Reminds me of my favorite soap:

    As the hamster wheel turns…

  4. Carolina Courtland March 27, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Absolutely priceless! This blog is a riot, Ella!

    • Ella March 27, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

      thank you so much Carolina!!!

      • Carolina Courtland March 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

        Girl, you should be in comedy. Maybe write a book about your experiences at least. Seriously.

      • Ella March 27, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

        hahaha you are too sweet <3 that means a lot to me, thanks

      • Carolina Courtland March 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

        As soon as I figure out how, I’m going to add your blog to my sidebar. LOL My readers will love your blog.

      • Ella March 27, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

        ya, i see other blogs with like all this crazy stuff and boxes. and twitters and i think to myself “uhhh i have no idea how to do all that”

      • Carolina Courtland March 27, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

        I did it! I added your blog. I’m new to this but I have figured out some things, if you want to ask me. I just got a new theme. I’m gonna redecorate the place.

      • Ella March 27, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

        awesome!! thanks <3

      • Carolina Courtland March 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

        I will help you with your blog (please delete my email addy after u write it down.) Thanks! Or I will get losers emailing me. I’m loser magnet.

      • Ella March 27, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

        hahahha loser-magnet! join the club!

  5. Doug Johnson March 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

    Being in a fraternity, this is pretty hilarious…. girls do some shameless things. haha nice work.

  6. Darren Stone April 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm #

    Ah those are the days. I graded in 1978! I ate my rose boutonniere at the after-grad party to cheer up a friend whose date had ditched her. It worked, she laughed and survived.

    • Ella April 15, 2012 at 11:46 pm #

      Eating a boutinneere? That is true dedication!

  7. Keith Wadley April 16, 2012 at 5:54 am #

    I can see humor throughout your blog, but I also see a lot that makes me sad. It is all about the difference in values and perspective I guess. I had a junior ask me to her sorority ball my freshman year. We had a blast together, no booze, no sex, no waking up the next day wondering what I did or why I did it. Your list of discarded men runs counter to your claim of low self-esteem, as well as the way you write. I think you would be interesting to talk to and find out more about. Most guys are perverts, but not all.

    • Ella April 16, 2012 at 6:18 am #

      The point of my blog isn’t to promote the idea that one needs sex and booze to “have a blast.” It simply takes a humorous spin on how to cope with the social norms of college and dating life. Humans are beautifully complex; that’s why superstars like Beyoncé, Kanye, Megan Fox, Marilyn Monroe etc. have publicly struggled with self-esteem issues. Sure, I often feel insecure. But who wants to read an emo blog about how I hate my thighs?

  8. --Rick April 18, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    I’m not an undergrad girl. In fact I’m not a girl at all, but I thought your post humorous, light and culturally informative. Thanks for the smile you gave me.

    • Ella April 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm #

      aww awesome!

  9. thesandincalifornia. May 2, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

    haha, I laughed so hard at this :D I also always open tabs when I drink, what a stupid habit!

  10. conanon May 14, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

    You just did one thing wrong. Didn’t tag your post with ‘Humor’. I would like more people to die laughing. :D

    • Ella May 14, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

      thank you :)

  11. unklehookd June 16, 2012 at 11:22 am #

    Hell yeah! Also, you’ve been tagged, so go to http://unklehookd.wordpress.com for more info, that is if you want to, my dear!

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