The Heat of the Moment (II)

13 Mar

Okie dokie party people. I really did not want to do another post on what-not-to-do during a hook-up sesh, but I must address this issue. And yes, it is indeed an issue. Below is another list of things I would prefer you kept to yourself while we’re getting hot & heavy.

You’re my first black chick. Hmm you’re welcome? I would tell you you’re my first [insert-any-adjective-here] guy, but that’d be a lie. I’m pretty sure I’ve popped all cherries in the last decade. If it’s taken you this long, keep it to yourself. It’s like admitting you’ve never flown First Class. By a certain age, everyone else has. And if you haven’t before, you probably shouldn’t brag about it mid-flight.

You’re the hottest black chick, I’ve ever hooked up with. There are many things wrong with this statement. First of all, never end a sentence in a preposition, that’s elementary grammar people. Secondly, I am not Black. I am Blaxican, get it right. Thirdly, you are not gaining any brownie points by claiming you’ve hooked up with ethnic girls before. This is America, I’d expect nothing less. Lastly, hottest black chick?  WTF is that supposed to mean? That’s kinda like telling someone they’re pretty tall for a midget. Not very PC.

My mom really likes you. Well duh. Everybody loves me… at first. I am a charming piece of ass. I’m not worried if she likes me. My real concern is why the hell are you thinking of your mother when your pants are at your ankles. Please keep all oedipus complexes to yourself, Dr. Freud.

Have you told your mom about me, yet? My mommy dearest and I discuss which celebrity we think will die next and how we can trick my dad into giving my tuition money, even though I already graduated. You’re not my boyfriend. And until that changes, I can’t waste my breath on you.

Am I better than Mike? I’m sure your roommate Mike said great things about me. So naturally you had to see for yourself. But until you mentioned his name, I didn’t even realize you two were roommates. Are you better than him? Well come to think of it… he was pretty amazing. Maybe I should just hop into his bed instead. You can just listen through the walls to see if I’m enjoying myself or not.

Please don’t put me in your blog. Lately, many guys have said this. I am flattered you read my posts. But do you really think I have the time to write about all of my one-night stands? I meannnn there are not enough fake names in the English language to accommodate such a list. Like I’ve said before this blog is about my discarded men. As long as you don’t do something stupid, you’re in the clear.

Not gonna lie, here’s a list of stuff I probably shouldn’t have said:

  • We really gotta finish our group project before tomorrow.
  • I have herpes. Just kidding! It’s just syphilis.
  • Do you think I’m fat?
  • Your ex-gf told me you’d do that.
  • I might vomit.
  • My thighs are totally bigger than yours.

So, we all make mistakes. But when I say weird shit, it’s fun to laugh at myself. When guys say weird shit, it’s fun to laugh at them… on the World Wide Web.

33 Responses to “The Heat of the Moment (II)”

  1. gloriastartover March 13, 2012 at 3:49 am #

    Ella, you are fabulous.

  2. Cdn Stormlover March 13, 2012 at 4:56 am #

    High five honey! Keep up the great job of being able to laugh at yourself….and laughing at men (on the WWW). ;)

  3. TC Thomason March 13, 2012 at 7:32 am #

    you’re like Cosmo, without the shit that’s not true.

    • Ella March 13, 2012 at 10:18 am #

      The is the ULTIMATE compliment. Thank you so much <3

  4. sirtilc42 March 13, 2012 at 7:39 am #

    I’m convinced that men are genetically predisposed to saying stupid shit. If you really want to say dumb things like that, they should do what I do: blog. It’s acceptable there.

    • Ella March 13, 2012 at 10:14 am #

      Right? At least then it’s more methodical!

  5. The Naked Bunny Blogs March 13, 2012 at 7:49 am #

    Blaxican. Reminds me of my friend, Arthur. He’s a Mexipino… or Philipexican. Kinda depends on what he feels like calling himself on any particular day.
    At one time, I had a blog series called Adventures in Dating and I got the whole “you’re not gonna blog about this are you?” queries too. I was always honest and said, “Of course I am. But I will never use your real name. Kinda like Mr. Big in Sex in the City.” that usually alleviated their fears.

    • Ella March 13, 2012 at 10:15 am #

      Bahahaha Mr Big. I think we all have a Mr. Big! Mine is Paul M (my first article). xoxox

  6. Tobs March 13, 2012 at 8:18 am #

    Reblogged this on Discovering Tobi.

  7. Abby March 13, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    All hilarious and all true! But probably the most ridiculous is “Don’t put me in your blog.” Uh, how ’bout “Don’t give me a reason to put you in my blog”? (See Socially Awkward Loses His Shit.”) We don’t blog about decent guys, great dates or amazing lays, gentlemen. Er, well maybe sometimes. We write about imbeciles and asshats. Don’t be one.

    • Ella March 13, 2012 at 10:17 am #

      Amen Abby! Amen.

  8. nickeckert March 13, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    Reblogged this on Uncle Fatty Says.

  9. njorgensenblog March 13, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Haha the herpes and syphilis reference had me rolling.

    • Ella March 13, 2012 at 10:31 am #

      I don’t know why I think it’s so funny to joke about STDs. But I do. I think it’s my way of secretly saying, “if you have any now’s the time to say so.”

  10. aneroidocean March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    The only things a guy should be saying while getting hot and heavy with a girl (and vice versa) are:

    1. Directions for her to follow in order to turn him on.
    2. Things that turn her on.
    3. Things that turn him on (or further, elicit a response from her that turns him on like in dirty talk).

    BONUS: Whispered into her ear from behind, “You know that I’m HIV Positive, right?”

  11. celovetalk March 14, 2012 at 5:30 am #

    Dear Guys, stop giving us the black girl “compliments”. I’ve even had a few of them touch my hair! Like Ella said, keep it to yourself especially if we aren’t serious! Asking a question is one thing, but making a random stupid statement is another.

  12. Lisa March 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    I mighta just peed myself a little here over this post.

    • Ella March 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

      that is such a great compliment!!!!

  13. fulltimegangsta March 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

    This post is brilliant! <3

  14. deangump March 15, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    Ok so not gonna lie, like all the blogs I follow are about running related things more often than not (including mine) so I love yours. It’s sasssy and I totally get a kick out of it every time I read it.

    • Ella March 16, 2012 at 1:26 am #

      Thank you!! The funny things,I got your comment during the cool-down of my run today!

  15. twoamstrawberrywine March 15, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    I adore this. Thanks for blogging, Ella.

    • Ella March 16, 2012 at 1:24 am #

      Thank you!

  16. Richard McCargar May 17, 2012 at 6:19 am #

    Great sense of humor and writing style. We should picket and protest for you to replace Dr. Phil and his goofy corn-ball sayings….is it corn-ball to write corn-ball? Goofy?

    • Ella May 21, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

      I LOVE that idea Richard, wow I so incredibly humbled and flattered you say that :)

  17. audrina1759 May 31, 2012 at 1:37 am #

    love ur blog and ur clever posts!

    • Ella June 5, 2012 at 11:00 am #

      thank you audrina

  18. narcinthemaze June 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

    Thank you again for taking a look at my page. As you can see, I am catching up on doctrines. This one is superb.

  19. Ned's Blog January 21, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

    I’m so glad I read this post as well as part one; I can rest easy now that — thank God — I’ve never said any of those things. Although I’m sure I probably have my own “fail” reel somewhere ;)

    • Ella January 21, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

      we all do, my blg is all about pointing out others’ flaws, to deflect mine hehe

      • Ned's Blog January 21, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

        Good plan. I haven’t learned the art of deflection; I’m more the art of magnetism—everything finds its way to me!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Officially Legit: I won the Versatile Blogger Award! « sorryiamnotsorry - March 14, 2012

    [...] Ella Elle L’A [...]

  2. (Dumb) Shit Guys Say (to Me) « Ella Elle L'A - October 9, 2012

    [...] go back to my roots. To augment this article, check out my Heat of the Moment blogs (parts 1 & part 2) which zeroes in on the really dumb shit guys say when we’re naked behind closed [...]

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